Update 2/9/16:

              I've been gone for a minute, but I just wanted to update my blog. There's been so much going on in my life right now. My family member received the results from their doctor and things aren't what I was hoping for. No one ever wants to hear the word "Cancer," or "Chemotherapy," or even "Radiation." Just that C-word alone is enough to make anyone feel distraught. I know things will be okay for them... It's just the thought of the whole process and watching someone you love go through all of that. It hurts so badly, but for whatever reason we have to go through this. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. It really hurts.

                 That's why I've been MIA, and on top of that I'm getting ready for my college auditions, and shit like that. Sometimes I doubt whether or not I should even go to college anymore or just stay home with my family until everything is said and done, but they want me to keep doing all the things I had planned for myself. They admitted they will miss me but they don't want me to not live my life for them. I love this person dearly <3. I'm fighting for them, and I have a lot of doctors appointments to go to (I promised them I would go to every single one), so it takes a toll on me, it's a lot of information to process at once. Sometimes I find myself sitting in my bedroom, in bed, just thinking and staring off into space. I lose my motivation and it sucks. I feel like I've cried all the tears that I could, and now it's just time for me to be strong for this person. 

                My whole family outside of my immediate family is just so spiteful, and hurtful towards each other. We haven't talked to them about anything, because they can't even sit in one room together. It's sad. The people who are supposed to love you and answer your calls in a time of crisis will pretend that you're non-existent. They say blood is thicker than water but I'm not too sure if I believe that saying anymore. My immediate family is all I care about right now, and one of my aunts who has been soooo supportive throughout everything, and even planned a trip to come up here in a few months once my family member starts their treatment process. The rest of my family is busy fighting over our grandfather's money. It's just disgusting and embarrassing to be honest. 

                The chemotherapy process will take about 3-6 months, the doctors weren't really too clear about it, but yeah. They'll tell us more once we see the oncologist. We'll see what happens. Trying to balance schoolwork, auditions, work, and my family life is just so overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane, I really do. But I know I'll be alright. 

                  It just sucks because this is my senior year and I want to be happy, but it's hard to think about prom and other things like that, with this person on the back of my mind. Writing and music are my two main forms of escapism from stress, anxiety, depression etc... And the fact that I don't even feel motivated to do any of that is just depressing to me. 

                  I uploaded this picture to show the two chapters I've been working on and they're LONG O_O and require lots of pics and editing, costumes, lots, 50 bajillion sims, etc.... I hate everything I write, I scrap it, put it back in, scrap it again, and then come up with an entirely different concept. I play my auditions pieces for my college audition and then all the parts that I mastered suddenly sound like shit to me, or I forget how to play it just because I have so many other things on my mind.

                 Today I actually felt like writing and playing my piano and then a few hours later my inspiration left me, and I went to bed. All I want to do is sleep. It's bad. *Sigh* That's life, what can you do? When life throws stuff at you, you have to keep fighting, which is what I'm doing, slowly but surely. I know this bump in the road is only temporary, and for whatever reason I have to deal with this. Sometimes I feel strong, other times I feel completely weak and beaten down. All I can do is be honest. Life is too short for fear, and anxiety, and depression. Which is why I don't like feeling that way.

              Through all of this, I've lost people who I thought were important to me, and they turned out to be snakes. I was devastated at first but, I'm so glad I've gotten those poisonous people out of my life, and one in particular. I realize now that I never needed them. I've grown closer to people I least expected to, and I'm grateful for those people. <3  I'm meeting new people, making new friends, and actually learning more about myself. I feel like I have less to fear, which is really weird because I've always been so afraid of having people judge me, and now I can see my true potential, and accept my own quirks. It's nice to finally have people who encourage me, and don't tell me that I pretty much won't amount to anything in life every 5 seconds of the fucking day.The problem wasn't me, it was the other person and I finally see that relationship was severely unstable and bad for my mental health. You live and you learn. 

               Sorry for the rant, but I just felt like writing something on this blog. I hate leaving my blog MIA, my songs MIA, anything I do lol. I feel better after writing this soooo yeah. Tomorrow's just another day. :)

On a less depressing note, check out Mel's cute kitty costume. ^_^