Chapter 37: The Holiday for Memories

  The lights on our Christmas tree twinkled like little stars. "Are you guys ready?" Croy asked, stretching his arms out wide as he yawned. His beard was all scruffy and dingy. It was like an artist had taken a pencil and went over his beard, making it grow a few shades deeper, and adding depth.
     Adrianne was wearing a loose night gown that was nearly reminiscent of the color of blood. Nothing about her showed even the slightest glint of joy. She was just pretty much there, watching us live the moment.
    My satin gown felt like a feather against every inch of my skin. I threw it on earlier because I didn't feel like putting on a shirt and shorts. Lazy, I know. But I really did adore it; the soft violet tone dyed into every single stitch just kind of glowed on its on.
    "Let's open one gift at a time." Allyson's loose hair swung over her shoulders when she looked at me. "Do you want to go first?"

    There weren't that many presents under the tree, because our gifts were small yet enormous at the same time... if that made any sense. (Gifts cards to specific stores and  Visa gift cards) I stared at the yellow envelope etched with vivacious crimson ink under the tree that read: 'To Croy, from your niece and your step-daughter <3' It was the only thing under the tree for him, he deserved to open his present first.
    I shook my head, reaching over for the envelope. "Let's have Croy open his gift first." When Allyson initially asked me about the gift she wanted to get Croy, I was wary but I knew he would appreciate it. It was literally perfect for him.
     Getting up to give him his gift, I noticed the frown on his face, he was dumbfounded. "Here." I placed it in his hand, feeling shaky for no true reason. It wasn't like he would blatantly say he hated it, even if he did.
Once he saw the thin sheets of paper with palm trees decorating the sides of it he smiled and poked me in the arm. "Where'd you guys get these brouchers?" He looked from me to Allyson as if his eyes were two ping-pong balls. "This can't be real!" He exclaimed.
"It is real. And you better believe it." Allyson looked over at her mom as she said that. "What did she tell you something?"
His eyes became a sinkhole of terror. "No! No, she didn't tell me anything about you." He thumbed through the brouchers some more, astonished by all the images of the crystal beaches. "I've just always wanted to go to the Bahamas."
"Well now you can." I patted him on the shoulder. "You really deserve it." Between his patients at work, his new wife and daughter at home, and me and all of my anxious burdens; I knew he was tired. Even if he didn't admit it. it.

He looked up at me and Allyson, grinning so hard his lips puckered and I could see his teeth. "I love you girls."
"Love you too." I chippered, feeling my cheeks flush from how picture perfect the moment was.
Finally, he leaned in and kissed Adrianne's cheek, she was like a rock, she didn't move at all, she just stared into space like she was watching a tower fall. "We're going to the Bahamas honey!"
Her eyes flickered from the sudden batting of her lashes. It was as if she had been asleep the whole time. "Oh. Yeah, it will be great since we didn't really have a honeymoon." The way she smiled was odd and disconnected, disingenuous.
Like the life saver he was, Croy turned to the Christmas tree. "Considering the fact that you guys only had three days to decorate; I'm impressed." He pointed towards the bottom of the tree, signalling for me to walk over to it.

We had a color scheme going on, which was something I had never done, even when I used to celebrate Christmas with my parents and Jess.
All the pink presents were for Allyson and all the purple ones were mine, hence why I was wearing a violet gown. It was actually a really smart idea when you put it into perspective.
Allyson was still angered, she just sat there. "You go first Mel." She was trying to sound kind and delightful yet there was so much tension in her words.
"Okay." I murmured, trying to ignore the awkwardness. There were 4 purple presents under the tree for me. One was a little purple envelope, and the other three were just purple boxes.
I grabbed the envelope first, not trying to ruin the whole Christmas tree aesthetic just yet.  When I held it in my hands I realized it was slightly larger than I had expected. There was something resting at the bottom of the envelope, I could feel it poking out of the corner. It read: 'From: Your uncle, To: My sweet niece.'
Ripping the envelope open, I squeezed it at the sides until it puckered, when it did I looked inside. There were a few 100 dollar bills in there, the holographic strips were bouncing back blue reflections everywhere. All the way in the corner there was a silver necklace. Reaching in, I latched it in my fingers, it was cold and frigid, shiny and smooth. It was shaped like a heart and it had a little latch on the side. "It opens?" I asked, grazing my thumb over it.
"Maybe." My uncle laughed before her stood by me. "Open it." He said.

I did as he said and opened it, snapping the latch to the side. I couldn't believe my eyes. Inside, there was a picture of me and my sister, swaddled up in exceptionally white blankets that looked like fuzzy milk colored sweaters. She was 3 and I was one, the blue backdrop made us seem like angels. Pure and delicate.
"Wow. I can't believe this. I don't remember mom ever showing me this picture." From the age of 6 and up my mom only had pictures of me and Jessica separately. We couldn't bear to stand next to each other for more than 10 seconds.
"Yeah. Your mom never liked the way this picture came out. I'm not sure why to be honest." He shrugged. "I think it's beautiful."
"So do I." It kind of sucked the rest of our family was celebrating Christmas separately, but some things worked out for the better.
He cleared his throat. "What is with you girls?! It's Christmas and you guys aren't even acting the least bit excited. Am I the kid? I'm more excited than you guys. Open your presents before I keep them to myself."

I fiddled with the envelope, getting the money out of it. I thumbed through each bill... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. Shit. I totally wasn't expecting that. I knew we were getting money, but $700...? It was kind of over-kill. "Damn. Thanks?: I was so awkward, I hoped I didn't hurt his feelings.
"Spoiler alert. Allyson, I gave you $700 in your envelope too, along with your Christmas card." He smirked and folded his arms. "But don't get too excited girls. I expect you to use this money wisely for anything you need OR want but don't ask me for anything un-school related until around June. I expect you girls to be somewhat responsible with it."
Allyson opened up her envelope and folded the money. "Thanks, I love money." She snickered, before pulling out her necklace too. Hers was exactly like mine except the picture inside was of her when she was seven. In the picture she was sitting in her dad's lap, hugging him as he was dressed like Santa Claus, it was honestly the cutest thing ever.
She got teary eyed and put the envelope on the ground. "Thanks." That one word was more than enough to describe how she felt. Broken. When none of us said anything Adrianne got all upset. "Now, why would you bring that up?! I know I told you how she gets whenever anyone brings that up."

Things took a totally different turn. As much as I wanted us all to turn the wheel and steer away from the cliff, I knew we were headed over it. It was beyond too late. Allyson got up from the floor and got into a fighting stance with her mother. "Just stop. This isn't all about you okay?!" She pointed towards Croy. "You've got this amazing husband yet all you can do is find shit to yell at him for!"
"I'm not yelling at him! I'm just asking him why he decided to bring that up right now of all times!" She turned to Croy when she said that. "Why would you do that?!"
Allyson's hair blazed over her shoulders when she turned her head around sharply to face Croy. "Because he cares, unlike you."
It was almost chilling as I watched Adrianne's face turn 5,000 shades of white. "Don't. don't you bring this shit up right now! Do you hear me?" She moved her eyes like she was trying to keep her eyes from getting watery. "I'm not talking about this now."
Throwing her arms up in the air, Allyson sighed. "Of course not!" She was growing hotter, like a brush fire in the woods, she was spreading and spreading. The scorch of her scream cut through the air and made it a billion times hotter. "You never want to talk about anything! That's just your little shitty pity party defense mechanism you use to make yourself feel better." Allyson ran her fingers through her hair and just shook her head from side to side as her tears streamed down the side of her face, it was like she was trying to tell her self not to cry. "You don't love anyone but yourself, you don't know what love is, which is why you treat Croy like shit now that he gave you what you wanted. It's all about you and what you want, never anyone else."

"How many times do you have to blame me Allyson?!" She got closer to her, breathing harder. "It's not my fault, I'm not responsible for anyone's actions! It's not my fault." She choked.
Allyson's eyes punched out of her skull. "It's not your fault!?" She grabbed her by both of her forearms, making Adrianne shake and clench her teeth. "You told dad he should kill himself and  he went out to some bar, got drunk, and got into an accident." She struggled to breathe, I could see her knuckles pinching through the skin that covered them. "I was only seven years old. That fucked me up so badly, and you don't even have the decency to acknowledge his death. You brush it off like it's nothing." She  pushed her away from her, releasing her grip. "I just don't get it!" She shook her head in dismay. "I know you never loved him, but you could've at least taken me to his grave out of respect."
She stretched her arms out wide as if other people were in the room. The sarcasm weened through her voice as she said, "But no! All you did was fuck all these different guys left and right, and chase after their money and your shitty art dream!" She was speaking bullets, but stepping in would be too dangerous. She was like a maniac with a gun, unstoppable.
"Stop! Just stop! That's not true! You just love making me look like a bad person! I don't need this right now! I'm grieving, I can't take this."

I thought their fight was almost over. Adrianne  charged for the stairs and Croy went with her. Just before she could even take another step, Allyson yanked her by the arm.
"Grieving over what?! Your child?!" She lapped her eyes. "The one child you actually wanted to give a shit about?" She got all red in the face, and sucked her bottom lip between her teeth. "What about the others? More importantly- What about mine?!" She cried, letting go of her arm. "Huh?"
Adrianne just stood there like a stunned  fish out of water. "I can't believe what you've become. You're horrible, you're nothing but a fiend."
Allyson sucked her breath in her nose loudly, breaking through her hiccup sounding cry with her face full of tears. "Kids can't help who they are, they learn from their parents." She pointed her jagged finger at herself, aiming right for her chest. "I know you hate what you see, and believe me I do too. I'm nothing but a reflection of you."

***

"So how was your Christmas?" David asked, looking at me through the computer screen as he layed down in an unfamiliar setting in the background. The call quality of our video chat wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either and I swear I could see packed suitcases in the background.

My door was open, and getting up to close it seemed like a long journey within itself. "It was nice. I'm video chatting with you from my new laptop actually, it's pretty spiffy." I chortled, trying to make myself laugh in a natural way. I didn't want to even have to mention what had just happened a few hours ago.
"Oh yeah? That's pretty cool." He was staring at me so hard through the computer screen, it was almost nerve racking. "You look really nice." There was a brief pause before he went on. "Are you going somewhere? Or something?"
I ran my fingers through the front of my hair like a comb, tucking it behind my ear as I got to the ends. "Oh, no. I just threw this on because we had a color scheme with our presents, mine were violet."

     "I think I should be the one asking you where you're going. "What's with all of those bags in the background?" I pointed towards the screen. Video chatting was kind of weird with him. Sometimes it felt like he was interested in what I had to say, but other times he seemed distracted.
     His smile became the reciprocal of a fraction, flipping upside down. The pixels on the screen couldn't hide the fact that his eyes looked less alive. "I hate it here. So why get settled? My cousin surprisingly hasn't said much to me, and I haven't said anything to him. But-" He turned around and looked at the door frame. "This man's daughter is really creeping me out. She's almost become my shadow." Not even his eyes could stay steady when he mentioned her.
     The sound of my laughter filled the room. "Well-" I shrugged my shoulders, smiling with a sheepish grin. "Maybe she likes you."
      "Possibly." His voice was sharp and fast like a dart being thrown in the air. "She's 19. She's a model, and she's kind of hot, I can't deny that." He frowned, "But she's still a little odd. I can't put my finger on it, she just leaves me with a strange feeling every time she looks at me."
     I bit my lip, nervous as I tried to figure out how I should say my next sentence. "You either like her or you don't." Diverting my eyes away from the screen, I pinched the skin on my legs. Any guy his age would be ecstatic to be in his situation. A "sexy", 19-year old model chasing you... It was every man's dream, even the old perverted guys like Hughe Hefner.

     I moved my legs inward a little bit more, making my 'pretzel' tighter. The strap on my gown was falling over, I traced my fingers along my shoulder and flicked it upwards and over my shoulder. My hair looked a little messy on my shoulders so I ran my fingers through it a little more.
"She-"
"Mel, can you help me with something?" Allyson stood in the door way, fiddling with her fingers. "I can't get the washing machine to start."
I groaned inwardly, which was wrong. "I'm sorry could you excuse me for a second?" I asked him. "I'll be right back."
He looked like he was annoyed. "No, I can't." He frowned slightly. "We're going out to have a joint family dinner party, I have to take a shower and get dressed."
It was only 11am, and I missed talking to him. So pathetic, I know. "Well, alrighty then. I'll call you tomorrow I guess?" I tried to give him hints here and there without being too obvious. Coming off as a needy freak was the last thing I wanted.
The way he smiled was funny, it was like he was laughing without making any noise. "Yeah, that sounds good. Later gator. I'll text you or something."

    David ended the chat and I began closing my laptop. All the thoughts that lingered in my mind were rude. I should've kept my God darn door closed. What was so hard about working a damn washing machine?
     "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you." She looked pitiful like she needed a hug. Her and her mom really had an ugly history. It reminded me of me and my own mother in some ways.
     "Its fine." I lied, getting off the bed with the same pace Leo would take just to get off his little rock.
     "The delicate cycle wouldn't start. You think I might've overloaded it?" She looked as if she was stuck in another world. I guessed she kind of was after that whole incident before. I wasn't even in her shoes, and I was trying not to think about it.
     "I don't know, I will take a look at it. Maybe it's stuck or something." I felt like Bob the fucking builder.

 We walked down to the basement and I was about to spazz out over the mounds and heaps of clothes she had on the ground. She had a pile with whites and deep colors entangled TOGETHER.
    Gosh, why of all days did she decide to do laundry on Christmas?! "Okay, show me what you did." The washer worked the last time I remembered, unless something changed. Change was pretty common lately.
     "I put all my clothes in and I....." She explained what she had done, lifting clothes into the air and stuffing the washing machine with more clothes.
     As horrible as it was I wasn't listening. I was looking at her but seeing something totally different than what she thought I was.
     Golden skin and a broad chest full of hair was the only thing I saw. Glistening wet hair, and soap bubbles sliding off of David's neck and shoulders was what I wanted to be. A wet water droplet sliding down his chest all the way down to his-
    "Do you think I'm overloading it?" Allyson took some shirts out of the machine, looking at me for approval or denial.
     Closing my mouth that was hanging wide open, I bit my lip. My cheeks were two suns, glowing as brightly as ever and exceptionally hot. Way to be a hoe Melody!

    My vision finally came clear and I leaned to the left slightly. "First things first you need to fix your garment arrangements before you even load the machine." Pointing towards the white pile of clothes that had various other colors dotted in the mix, I shook my finger back and forth. "That not gonna work. Your colored clothes will get bleached."
     She shook her head. "Oh no! I'm not using bleach, it will be okay. The delicate cycle helps the colors bleed less."
Taking a closer look, I realized her white clothes did look slightly tinted. "Is that how you do your laundry?!" It must have been, and her clothes looked very faded.
"Well yeah, either way your clothes end up getting ruined when you throw them in here. The machines are too rough, you're better off hand-washing your clothes." She pulled a red dress out of the machine she was trying to load. It had a cut-out racer back.
I shook my head in disbelief. "You've got a lot to learn about laundry. Let me get some bleach and for now you can just put all your dark clothes in one pile, your lights in another, your whites in another, and your delicates in another pile too."

"How would you know how to wash clothes? No offense but I barely see you come down here to do laundry." Allyson's bitch switch was about to flip on.
"Having parents like mind kind of forces you to know how to do your own laundry." I started doing my own laundry when I was eleven. But once I saw how much of a pain in the ass it was,  I came up with a solution. Buy a shit tone of clothes = and laundry is pretty much nonexistent. That didn't mean I didn't know how to do it though.
"Well my mom always told me it was best to hand wash things you care about, and I care about all of my clothes." She blushed, "It takes a lot of time."
"I can imagine, but I'm about to show you how to make your life easier." I replied, heading towards the stairway. "I'll be right back and we can get this laundry done."

Allyson and I had finally loaded all the clothes into the washer and we were pushing the button on the machine for the delicate cycle.
The machine cut on and she looked at me in shock. "I swear it didn't do that before!" She gasped. "I guess I can't do anything right." She pouted.
"It's okay, I believe you." I smiled, nervous of how she might've been feeling. "You're just having a rough morning. I have a lot of those." I said, blushing as I thought about the breakdowns I had as of recently.
The constant rumble of the machine made her voice sound a few levels softer. "This time of the year just makes me so sad, I can't even think straight." The glaring light of anguish permeated inside her eyes and she winced.
Even though I was slightly bothered by her interruption, I still cared. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talking about it only seems to make things worse." She shrugged her shoulders and wiped her eyes that were now flickering like two dim light bulbs about to blow out. "Maybe my mom has a point. Ignoring what happened seems to work for her, maybe I should try it too. It wouldn't hurt as much as this."
I knelt down on the floor, watching the machine spin round and around. The clothes rose and fell, jumping up and down like little wet Mexican jumping beans. "What pains some, doesn't pain others."
"Fuck that. I'd rather feel than not feel at all." She knelt down beside me and joined in on my 'washer watching.' That never ending spin of the clothes was enough to hypnotize someone. "My dad died on Christmas eve."
Hearing her say that made me freeze up. I couldn't say I knew how she felt, the only thing I really could do was listen. She never really talked about the situation with her father but I wanted to know.

She lifted her hand and placed it on the window to the washer. "I was standing by my parent's bedroom door, and my father was balling his eyes out, my mom had a black eye and blood all over her wrists. She told him he was 'worthless,' he said he wanted to 'fall asleep and never wake up.'  She forced him out of the house and told him he 'deserved to die.' And that's what he did..." She shook her head from side to side, "He got drunk at some bar and never came home, later at midnight the cops were at our door saying that he got into an accident and that was it."
"Wow." If she was alluding to what I thought she was, it kind of made sense why her mother acted the way she did. She was a broken woman.
"I could never forget it, not even in a million years when I'm old with dementia." Her index finger wiggled from side to side. "My mother was wearing her favorite white shirt and it was covered in blood stains, I wasn't sure if it was hers, my dad's, or a mixture of both."

    She took her hand away from the machine and rested it in her lap instead. "Sometimes I think God gave me all her pain because he knew she couldn't bear it all. She's weak." Her lips were like ice, and her words were icicles, the sharp kind you could stab your tongue with as a kid, yet everyone still tried to suck them anyways. "He left her with nothing but a partially erased memory and gave me all this pain to deal with. The only real thing I have is a road memorial of him and that's not even good enough." She whimpered. "These damn kids started a mass-hysteria a year ago, claiming he was still alive. It's all a bunch of BS though, it's so annoying." Muttering and clenching her fist she frowned. "I think I would know if my father was still alive or not."
      The sudden realization hit me like an egg being cracked onto my cranium. "Wait a minute- YOUR DAD WAS WILLY?! WILLY ROAD WILLIAM?!" God damn, this town was full of mystery ever since that incident. But now I knew the truth....
    "Yep." She said quickly, still shaking her head in disgust. Rolling her eyes she said, "People will come up with anything just to torment people."
     It didn't really make sense why anyone would do that but alas, someone did it. "That's fucked up." Not only was it a constant reminder every time someone brung it up, it was an insult to her dad's death, a mockery at best.

 "You don't have to tell me twice." The sound of her voice was so different, and her body language complimented it. She got smaller and smaller, clasping her hands between her legs and ducking ever so slightly. "And then when I was 16 I had an abortion the week after my father's death." With a grim look on her face, she just stared out into existence like she was immobile. "Gosh, I was so fucking stupid!" She scolded.
    Gheez. Allyson and her mother really had quite a history, combined and separated. Picturing Allyson pregnant was dead near impossible for me to do. She seemed so- I don't know.... Un-child friendly? Naive wasn't in her vocabulary, she didn't seem like the kind of girl to put herself in a compromising situation.
    "My own mother told me to get an abortion, and I listened. I was so weak and pathetic." Her fingers curled under. "She told me it would be easy, but I still can't get over it."
    For a second, I thought about it... What would I do if I was pregnant and still in high school? It was hard to answer.

   "Of course she got over it, she's heartless." She rolled her eyes and turned towards me. "I used to be so bashful towards women that got abortions,and I still kind of am." The sinking of her eyebrows eased up. "I used to think of myself as a monster... I mean, what sane person could kill an innocent baby?"
    Babies were precious and pure. But once the met the world they lost their innocence. It was sad to say, yet it was true. We were all babies once... Now look at us. *Cringe*
    She rubbed her index finger back and forth along her thumb. "But then I got pregnant and realized why an abortion is probably the biggest sacrifice a mother can make for their child." She sighed and looked at the ground. "We aren't monsters. Most women who have abortions aren't even thinking about themselves... They're thinking about their babies and how to save them from  all the things we wish we were saved from ourselves."

          I didn't think an abortion was wrong. Sometimes life just came with pain. The complex act of giving birth was painful enough. Pushing a watermelon out of a lemon... Yeah, totally painful. "That's what mother's do. They think of their children instead of themselves, even when it hurts." I said, trying to comfort her.
     "But I was mostly thinking about myself, and my future. I wanted to finish school, go to college, get my license, and be away from my mother by now." Like a leaf falling from a tree, her lips fell. "But look at me. I still haven't finished school. I'm 19. Still haven't gotten my license because of my inflicted driving phobia. And I'm still with my damn mom and her forever changing men"
     "You can always change your future. Your life is in your hands, no one else's." I rubbed her back.

    "It's never too late but I feel so far behind, it's kind of embarrassing." She wallowed.
    Most people around her age did have cars and their license, but look at me. I was 16 and wasn't even thinking about getting my permit yet. "I don't have my permit, and I'm not embarrassed." I shrugged. Cars were stupid. Texting and driving was nearly an epidemic these days. Half the people that wanted cars already had a friend that had one anyways so it was a problem solved, all you really needed was gas money.
     "Yeah, but you're you, of course you wouldn't want a car." She teased, finally cracking a smile. "I'm just afraid of driving. I wish I wasn't, but I am."
"We all have our fears. But I know you will get over it, bravery is just a part of your nature." I said, and I meant it. Allyson was a strong girl. Eventually she would get fed up with herself and just make it happen.
"Only time will tell." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Well, this was an interesting Christmas."
This was my first real Christmas, and even though it didn't go the way I wanted it to, I  was still grateful. It was an experience and I couldn't have asked for anything else. "Yeah, it sure was." I murmured.

Random Winter pics from Ages ago:

I always forget to post random pic spam shit on my blog every once in a while. But whatevs, this is from Tumblr. I just wanted to post it here since it's finally Christmas time in the story and I like cheesy pics. :)

5,000 Views!

Thanks to all my readers I made it to 5,000 views. How cool? :) I love you guys.

Melody says: "Thank you!" <333

On a side note: 4 more chapters till part 3.... :]

Chapter 36: Like a Thief In the Night

Christmas time was our family holiday. We considered it to be the most important time of the year. My parents loved Jesus and they were God fearing people, they always were and always would be that way. Me and my sisters on the other hand... Not really. We loved Christmas because it was just a warm holiday, and we got a ton of days off from school.

"We should put this star at the top of the tree, mom always loved it!" Jaynie screeched, inching up on her tiptoes as she miserably tried to reach the top. The bristles were scraping up against her fuzzy red sweater, it looked like a big fuzzy lint ball; but she found it comfortable.

I smiled when I thought about my mother, she really was one of a kind. "Yeah, she did, and she always will." It smelled like ginger and fresh peppermint, and we weren't even cooking anything. "Here, let me help you with that." I kneeled down and patted my legs, "Come on."

Lifting, Jaynie in the air, I helped her put the star on the top of the tree. "Awww, it's perfect." She gave me nostalgia, she was so bright and cheerful like how she used to be. Christmas just brought out the best of everything. The best in life, the best of memories, and the best in a person. 

"How much do you weigh again?!" I teased, lowering her back down to the ground.

She looked up at me once her feet were on the floor, giving me a nasty glare. "That's only my concern, not yours. Maybe you should get in the gym and lift some more."

You've gotta love your siblings sometimes. "You crack me up, like a boiled egg!"

"You're so corny!" She put her palm on her forehead and just shook it from side to side. "My brother is so embarrassing! Why God? Why?!"

"Because laughter is the key to living life. If you can't laugh, you can't live." You didn't have to be good at telling jokes, because even the corny ones still made people laugh.

"I do laugh. At you. All the time." She gave me her little signature smile, the 'Jaynie smile.' 

"As long as you laugh, I'm doing something right." Keeping everyone happy was always a challenge, but Jaynie was always the most relaxed one in the family. She was a handful, but she never really needed me to lift her spirits, she did that on her own. 

The tree was already covered in ornaments and multi-colored lights. Pine needles covered the floor underneath it, and you could smell them before you even took a look at them. 

"I don't think we need to decorate the tree anymore, it's full." Taking the decorations off of the tree was always a real drag. Considering the fact that it was Christmas Eve, there really was no point in decorating it any further. "If you want to, you can, but I'm finished."

Wandering off towards the kitchen, I got myself a glass of milk. My dad had attempted to make some cookies the other night and they had burnt to a crisp, they were inedible but I still grabbed one. It was as black as charcoal, and hard as a rock. "You know, it's funny how dad can cook all these fancy dinners, yet he can't cook a simple box of cookies." 

"Dad doesn't do desserts." Jaynie replied, still focusing on the Christmas tree with satisfaction as the lights streamed through her eyes in a wide array of hues.

"Yeah, you are kind of right about that." For some reason my dad couldn't bake anything. Not a nice warm apple pie, or a chilled pie made with pudding. He could scoop out ice cream, but that was easy for him.

Patting the sides of my legs, I realized I needed to check my phone. Dad was out doing some last minute Christmas shopping for Jaynie and Deanna, and I knew he needed me to put Jaynie to bed. 

"I'm going to get my phone, okay? I'll be right back." I said, walking to my room.

Jaynie was too busy shaking all the boxes under the Christmas tree to even notice what I had said. "Uh-huh." 

My room was actually starting to look like a guys room. I had a pair of boxers on the floor, some socks, a few magazines, and a pile of clothes in the corner; which should've been in the clothes hamper. I was almost disgusted enough to clean it but then I figured it wouldn't really matter. No one was coming over so there really was no need to.

I grabbed my phone off my end table and glanced at it. My phone was empty, I only had a few numbers in it. There was only family members in my contacts, and Allyson was pretty much the only friend I had in my contacts. 

Our friendship was weird. We could sleep with each other and think nothing about it. It was only one time though, so I never really thought about it too much; she just wasn't my type. She didn't see me that way, and neither did I.

There were no texts from dad, or anyone for that matter. I got up and just decided to put Jaynie to bed anyways, it was late and I was bored. Sleep wouldn't be too bad right about now.

When I made my way back into the living room, Jaynie was drinking my glass of milk, and nibbling from the charcoal cookies. "These taste like dirt."

"I would ask you how you know what dirt tastes like, but it's time for you to go to bed." I looked over at the television, the Polar Express was on. Jaynie loved that movie even though she had seen it about a kajillion times.

"No! The Polar Express is on!" She put the empty glass on the side of the counter. "Get my blanket from upstairs! I can sleep down here and watch it!"

"You can watch it upstairs. What's the difference?" I knew she just wanted to watch dad come in with the presents.

"Just go get my blanket!" She demanded, running over to the couch to go set up the pillows.

"Fine. But if you fall asleep, which you will- I'm bringing you upstairs to you room. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah. Go make yourself useful and get my blanket." She plopped down on the couch, staring at the tv as if she had never seen the movie before. What was it with those Disney movies? All the kids loved them to pieces, even if they watched them over and over and over and over and over and- you get my point.

Like a servant, I went up the stairs to go and fetch her blanket. Our house always felt like a home to me, it was just warm and close. Anytime we invited someone over it was no different, we dressed the same way, talked the same way, ate the same way; we extended our love with open arms to anyone who came here. That was just how we were.

Having one or two expensive things in our house worked for us. Who wants a home that they can't run around in? Who wants to feel like they have to put plastic over their couch when they sit on it? Homes were for living in, and that's what we did.

As I made my way to the top of the staircase, I stopped. I heard some funny noises coming from Deanna's room. The sounds of struggle and frustration.

I got closer to her door, trying to make out what the sounds were. She hadn't been home all day, unless she climbed through her window. There was definitely someone in there though. It was a guy. 

"Just once, I just need you to do this once." He was speaking frantically like he couldn't wait another second.

Never in my life would I have ever thought that I would hear my older sister sound so weak. "I- I can't. I can't keep doing this, I'm gonna get in trouble. You're gonna get in trouble. If my dad knew about all of this, he would send me out on the street! Or send us both to jail!"

Something was thrown across the room, I could hear his feet thumping against the floor boards. "Who cares! Why do you have to make everything so complicated?! Why can't you just help me?! You know maybe you just weren't cut out for this."

The only thing I didn't hear was Deanna's voice, she didn't even respond to him; but I knew she was there. This wasn't an intruder, she knew him.

I didn't know what the hell he was talking about but since she wasn't responding I got worried. Immediately I thought about Jaynie and her safety, she was down there watching TV and didn't have a clue what was going on. But I couldn't step away- I couldn't leave Deanna, I had to help her. There was no way I would forgive myself if I stepped away and she wasn't okay.

"Deanna? Are you in there?! What's going on?" I pounded on the door before busting it opening. "I'm coming in!" I said, swinging the door open so hard it hit the wall.

When I looked inside her room there was nothing but darkness confining her and some random guy. She was dressed in all black and so was he. They both were crouching on the floor, looking at something. His face was covered with a mask and all I could catch were his brown eyes. I stared at them for a little longer and thought they might be gray, I wasn't sure.

He was kneeling down on his knees but once he saw me he leaped like a frog. "Shit!" He muttered, pouncing across the room so fast that I couldn't even get to him. 

"Don't run away! Who the fuck are you?!" I demanded, but he ignored me and ran to the window.

"Fucking shit! Open up!" The windows was stuck and being stubborn, he kept jerking it up, trying to open it.  

I got up and ran towards him, stepping on something that was on the floor. Something had burst, but I was too busy trying to chase him down to even care what I had stepped on. Just as soon as I reached him, the window cracked open. "Show your face!"

He jumped out of the window and went running. The way he darted around the corner so fast, only made me more angry. 

Shit was about to go down. If there was anything that I learned from dealing with Deanna, it was that she was always deep into some shit. She never dabbled with things, she went full-forced and full-fledged into anything she did, good or bad.

I turned to Deanna, she was scraping up some dull white and almost brown powdered dust on the floor in a frantic desperation. "Oh shit! Look at what you did!" Bit by bit, particle by particle, she threw it in the bag. "He's gonna be so pissed!"

"Who the fuck was that?!" I yelled, getting closer to her. I looked down at the ground, realizing that this wasn't just any powder. The way it was bagged up said it all; it was drugs. "Answer me right now!" Even though she was only hurting herself, I felt betrayed.

"Fuck you!" She screamed with her breath picking up it's pace. I could see her hands shaking as she tried to move the powder from the floor to the bag. "I don't have to tell you shit!"

Deanna was difficult, and I knew I had to be careful with my words. It would only take one thing to tip her over the edge, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. 

Most of the powder was cleared off of the floor. She got up, smacking her hands against each other as she tried to wipe them clean. Dragging her right foot against the floor, she tried to clear away all the little dusty remains on the ground.

"What is that? Coke?!" I looked her in the eye but all she did was bite her lip and evade my gaze. "Is that why you've been acting so odd lately?!" She had gotten into a habit of leaving and not showing up until several days later or sometimes even a whole week later.

She was still, and fixed her eyes on the ground. Like a sandcastle, her life was crashing down. Her harsh reality surrounded her and she was static and silent. "It's heroin." She murmured, fastening the tie on the bag before she threw it on her bed.

I snapped. It was as if I were a tight rope and she was just walking all over me, watching me bend underneath her feet. "Heroin?! Wow!" I clapped my hands in her face. “That's great you know! It's good you're not doing coke because heroin is soooo much fucking better!" Shooting up heroin or snorting coke was like a fucking life sentence. There was no going back after you did that shit.

“I don’t do drugs!” She retorted while failing at her attempt to defend herself. “I only sell them, that’s it.”

Nothing made sense. “How long have you been doing this shit?!” I had a feeling I would regret asking her that.

Finally, without even blinking she looked at me. Her eyes were the window to her soul and the evilest, blackest, and most invasive look shot out from her eyes and seeped into mine. She was smirking as she said, “A while. I’m good at hiding it, aren’t I?”

“Good at hiding it?!” I pointed towards the bag of heroin she had on her bed. “You’ve got some fucking hoodlum in the house while Jaynie is downstairs! You may not care about your safety, but you should at least care about hers! What’s wrong with you?!” It felt like my words were dust, they were seemingly pointless in a way. “You know how Jaynie likes to go through our stuff all the time and you keep this shit in the house?! God forbid if she ever got into it- then what?!”

“That would never happen. Look at how good I’ve been stashing it! She never found it, and I know she goes through my room.” She was blind to the danger surrounding her, and I was truly fearful for her, because you can tell someone how much they should care, but at the end of the day it was only up to them to actually give a damn.

She turned her back away from me and treaded away to her dresser. “I’m smart. I know what I’m doing.” She boasted on and on, throwing her shoulders back and pushing her chest out a little. “I’m not a baby. I’m a woman, with plans for myself.”

“Smart?! Selling drugs- You think that’s smart?!” I just wanted to rip every single hair follicle out of my head until I had blood dripping all over my face... Maybe then she would see my frustration.  “You don’t even have a logical explanation for doing this! What more could you want?! Our dad puts a roof over our heads, he goes out of his way too make sure we’re okay. We’re financially stable. Our family's reputation was gold until I fucked it all up, but now you want to tarnish it even further!”

It looked like a rainbow flashed before my eyes as I watched her drag clothes from her drawer, to a huge duffel bag. “You don’t get it. I don’t want to be a shadow! I want to make a name for myself! Living a boring safe life just doesn’t appeal to me. I like the thrill, and school isn’t for everyone. I’m not as smart as you and I know that.”

“Don’t use your inferiority complex on me Dee! I didn’t even say anything like that!” I reached over and snatched her hand, watching her red shirt fall to the ground.

Quick with her reflexes, she jerked her arm out of my grip. “Don’t fucking touch me!” She slapped the drawer to her dresser, screaming as if she wasn’t speaking loud enough. “You’re the better sibling of us all. You may be younger than me but,  you’re stronger, wiser, you’re smart, you’re caring, you know how to make dad happy! You’re more mature than I am. You’re completely selfless but I can’t be that way okay!”

It would be a lie if I said I didn’t know that Deanna felt like she was always sub-par compared to me and Jaynie. “No one is asking you to be that way, Dee.” 

I approached her, slow and clemently; baby step, after baby step. Once I could see her glimmering grey eyes, I stopped myself. “I’m weak Dee. Look at me!”

She didn’t say anything, she just shook her head.

It pained me so badly, yet I had to say what I was thinking about it.  “When mom disappeared, I left too! I couldn’t stick around, I didn’t know what to think! I was weak! I ran from the problem! I left you, Jaynie, and dad on your own and I still think about leaving all the time!” Although it was brief, it felt like I was re-living it again, feeling that resentment and anger... All over again. 

“Okay, so what?! You haven’t left again! And even when you did leave, everyone still gave a shit! When I leave you guys think it’s normal. You don’t even look for me.” Her eyelid was an imaginary flesh colored bridge, and her tear was about to roll right over it.

“Because! We know nothing would ever happen to you! You can fend for yourself!” My dad always said that she was fine, and she always turned out to be fine. So when she disappeared it just felt like normal. “You know how dad is.”

Tugging on the zipper of her duffle bag, she zipped it shut. “Yeah, I know all about how he is, and I won’t be sticking around much longer to get in his way.” When she blinked her eyes I knew she was trying not to let a tear fall. “I’m leaving before he makes me leave.”

With a swift motion, she lugged the duffle bag over her shoulder. She walked passed me to get the heroin off her bed and throw it in the dufflebag. 

She walked passed me to get to the door, and I tugged on her arm. “Don’t!” I screeched through clenched teeth. “Dee, don’t do this- you don’t have to do this.” I could help her, I knew I could. The last thing I was going to do was watch her leave. “I can help you. We can fix this, together.”

All the muscles in her body tensed. “Denver, when will you get it? You can’t be everyone’s hero.” The tear finally rolled over the bridge, she was crying. Her eyes looked like sheets of glass; and I honestly don’t remember the last time I’d seen her cry like that. “You can play dad... But you’ll never be mom!”

I was weak and I let her go. It hurt so much to the point I thought I was imagining things. The brand of agony and resentment made my body twitch. It ached and burned like hell, on the inside out. 

Yet again I had seen someone run down a black cave and leave me behind. Everyone left me, always. My mom, Abigail, and now my sister. No matter how hard I tried, I failed. I guess sometimes the hero really has to die.

Hearing the front door slam shut, made my heart jump in my chest. When I looked up, I saw Jaynie standing in the doorway. I wondered how long she had been there.

“Den?” She walked inside the room, her eyes roaming all over the place. From the windows to the floor I was sitting on.

I sucked in all the jagged air I could fill my lungs with. “Yeah?” The weakness in my voice almost made me ashamed.

“What’s going on?” She asked, sitting beside me. “Did you make Dee mad?”

As if it wasn’t odd enough, Jaynie was the one that understood Dee the most. It gave me an idea, a little sliver of hope. “No, it’s nothing.”

I got up from the floor and looked over at her computer desk. Surely she had to have some Facebook chats going on? Or maybe some of her friends could help me find out who she’d been hanging out with lately?

“Jaynie, I need you to help me.” I knew she had to at least know something. She could at least give me a lead or some clues. 

Frowning and backing away from me, she said: “Oh no! I don’t want coal for Christmas! I’m staying out of this!”

Bending my knees, and almost falling to the grown I begged her. “Come on Jaynie please! I need you and I don’t have much time!”

“No means no!” She waved her index finger back and forth at me.

“10 bucks?” I wagered with her.

“Twenty.” She straightened her face and gave me no mercy.

“Damn, Jay. I only have fifteen on me right now.” It was Christmas time, she would be getting plenty of money. 

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Ugh. Fine. Now what do I have to do? Report a missing girl?”

My heart almost stopped beating, I choked on my breath. “NO!” Dad would flip the shit if we did, because he always expected her to come back. While he was partially right in his theory, it wasn’t guaranteed. This time wouldn't be like the last time, this time was different.

Deanna felt unloved, and to be honest I understood why. Our dad wasn’t any ordinary dad, he had issues showing affection. “Just stay here and look through her computer. EVERYTHING! Her Facebook, her Twitter, her Instagram, her Snap chat! I don’t even care if you message her friends and pretend to be her! If you find anything suspicious snapshot it and send it to my phone.”

“Okey dokey.” She started to head towards her computer and then she stopped. “What are you gonna do?”

“I’m going out to get some help. I’ll be back, okay?” The only person I knew that would help me was Allyson. The timing was horrible, but it was Christmas Eve so I hoped her mother would be forgiving.

“But dad doesn’t like you driving at night.” I knew she just didn’t want me to leave. But I had to, I couldn’t let Deanna be stuck out there doing God knows what.

“I know, and that’s why I’m gonna be right back. Just cover for me alright? If dad comes home, tell him what happened, he’ll understand.” I was just about to bolt out of the door before she stopped me.

“Promise me you’re coming back?” She asked, her mouth hanging wide open in awe.

“ I promise you infinity times over.” I blew her a kiss and ran to my car.

***

I was more hurt than anything when Deanna left, but as I drove to Allyson’s house I grew tenser and tenser ever minute. All the stop signs seemed like roadblocks.

Knowing Deanna, she was probably alright, but I still worried. It was a cold world out there, and addicts would do anything for their drugs. Deanna was smart enough not to use drugs but just imagining her shooting up, made my stomach turn.

Approaching Allyson’s house, I pulled over and realized I hadn’t even put on my seat belt. I stepped out of the car and tried not to make too much noise as I slammed the door shut in a frantic way.

I knocked on the door, and rang the doorbell twice. The glass door showcased nothing but an unoccupied living room. It seemed quiet but all the lights were on, someone had to be up.

Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of dingy red hair and pale milky toned skin. As she made her way to the door I felt a sense of relief, I don’t know why, but I did.

She opened the door and just stared at me like she didn’t know what to say, but she spoke. “Umm, hi?”

“Hi.” I tried to keep it cool but I broke down, and ran my fingers through my hair; sighing like I had lifted a 70 pound weight. “Could you please get Allyson, I need her. It’s an emergency, I’ve got some family shit going down right now.”