Chapter 12:  Earthquakes & Aftershocks

Denver and I had been out in the river for almost a half and hour and we finally made it home after we took a walk that was about an extra 10 minutes. The quietness of the town was making me nervous, I felt like every move I made could be heard even the faint pounding of my heart. It was time for me to face my fate and be brave enough to walk through the door. What if my mom saw me? I hoped and prayed to God that her and dad would be gone like usual but somehow I knew they would probably still be home. "Does it look like anyone's hooooome" I slurred to Denver as I was creeping up against the side of my house as if I were a Russian spy. 

Denver laughed for a moment and then said "I'm telling you no one is home...I've been standing here for like 3 minutes now and haven't seen anyone" 

"Okay...Leave noooow! I'm about to go in....I don't want you to get in trouble" I said to him in a pleading manner as I stumbled all over my words like a fool. I breathed in as I watched Denver run away. My pulse could be felt through my fingertips, what if I had a heart attack? I began thinking of ways to just avoid this situation all together but I just realized I had to grow a pair and open the door, there was no other option. 

I placed my hand on the door knob and the glass trembled because my hand was shaking so hard. I walked in and BAM! My face came into rough contact with something cold and hard, my dad. "What do you think you're doing coming home at 3 in the morning?" He questioned me and I could already feel his interrogation coming soon. 

I was nervous as shit but I couldn't control myself or my words for that matter, the liquor was in control. I was about to make a huge fool out of myself and then regret it after I sobered up. "Oh well uhhh..You see I was at the doctor's....I thought my tongue was too big for my mouth" I said as precise as I could but my voice was still unstable and I was slurring all over the place. I stuck my tongue out of my mouth to show him and then started laughing and said "You see?" 

My father looked me up and down with his eyes wide and let out a sigh. I knew I disappointed him especially after what I had heard him say about me earlier today. "Ohhhh I see alright! You're piss drunk and you smell like pot! Where the hell were you and who was that guy that walked you here?!?!?" he asked me and his voice boomed like thunder as I stood there looking at the floor, the ceiling, the wall and then over at the muffins. "Mmmmm muffins" I said like a little kid. 

Tap, tip, pitter, patter. There was the noise of footsteps coming down the stairs. Creeeak Shreeak. The stairs sighed as my mother came down stairs and walked into the living room to find dad yelling at me. "Freddie do you know what time it is? Why are you yelling and screaming like a God damn fool?" She said in an impertinent tone as she raised her index finger out to him as if she were a mother disciplining their child. 

My dad turned to my mother and began smiling he then decided to be sarcastic and made his eyes move the same way kids in my kindergarten class used to whenever they wanted to make a silly face. "Oh you know I was ACTUALLY being a parent instead of acting like a retard like you usually do" he said insolently. 

"Are you seriously saying that to me right now? I'm your wife so treat me like it!" My mother shot back at him while she rolled her eyes and went on explaining herself. "You know being a good parent doesn't mean that you have to make your kids feel horrible about themselves every time they make mistakes" 

The room was slowly tilting back and forth as I stood there watching my mother and father argue with each other. It was like I was on a boat and I leaned against the wall trying to get a grip onto reality but I was so far gone. My sister came in through the back door in a long dress that cascaded as she walked closer and closer to us, she walked into the living room and glared at my dad. "Calm down you guys! She was with me...we went out with some of my friends and she drunk from a glass that looked like it was filled with water but it was actually alcohol...She kept drinking and now she's a little tipsy...Can we all just go to bed now?" She said and I instantly felt relieved. I was astonished that she made that story up right on the spot....For me. I didn't expect her to say all that and stick up for me but she did and it felt damn good knowing I could trust my sister...Somewhat. Things were changing in our family and the old times were definitely gone, they had been gone long ago way before our parents started disappearing from our lives and were constantly on "business trips." 

Time became a NASCAR racer and it just kept speeding up and driving wildly, crashing and bumping things all while twisting, turning, and sliding trying not to bump into other objects. My dad shouted to the top of his lungs "This has nothing to do with you! Stay out of it, we all know you're a useless piece of trash but that doesn't I want Melody acting like you either!" he shouted out to my sister and then that was when things took a turn even further down hill. Jessica swung her fist at my dad, attempting to punch him but he caught her fist in his hand and he squeezed it tightly in his hands as all the capillaries in his face filled with blood and turned his face bright red. "Are you fucking crazy?!? I'm your FATHER you never raise your hand at me!" he bellowed.

My sister frowned intensely at my father as her clenched, shaking fist was still fiercely pushing into my fathers hand. "You may be my father but I never asked you to be....I hate everything about you! You can't even call yourself a father, you and mom are never home! I'd rather be a bastard than have a so called 'father' like you" my sister said to my dad in a potent venomous way as she drew her fist back from my fathers hand and walked up stairs silently but when she got into her room all that could be heard was the deafening BANG from her bedroom door as she slammed it shut. The floor beneath us trembled and shook like an earthquake and there was nothing else in the living room besides me and my parents and a sinister, spine-chilling silence.

Not a word was said as I headed for the stairs and went into my room. Once I made it to my room I shut the door as quickly as possible and locked it, I was scared of something but I had no idea what I was afraid of. I rested my head up against the door and sighed as I looked at the room slowly tilting left and right in front of me. I looked at my bed and figured I might as well just get some sleep and hopefully things would boil over in the morning. 

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The next morning I woke up with a massive headache and bloodshot eyes which made me look even worse because my eyes were still a little black and blue from that whole dodge ball incident on Wednesday. I was wearing the same purple sweater and black leggings, and that was when I realized how badly last night probably was. "Shit!" I mumbled under my breath.

I went to walk out of my room and realized the door was locked, I began pondering all the possible reasons it could've been locked but I couldn't put the pieces together, I was trying so hard to but nothing was coming back to me. My head hurt so bad that I just stopped thinking about it and walked out into the hall way and stopped right before I was about to walk down them, the sun was shining but all I could see was darkness as I began remembering  how I was out in the ocean on a boat with some guy. I shook it off and walked down the stairs.

I walked into the living room and no one was there. What time was it? I continued walking and peering around until I walked into the dining room and saw my mother standing by the bar with a drink in her hand, looking out the window and off into a distance. It was shocking to see her like that because she never really liked drinking unless it was socially, she looked bothered by something but it looked like she was dealing with something deep, much deeper than me just going out and getting drunk last night. Something was wrong and it was something much bigger than my silly drunken folly. 

I walked in front of the counter of the bar and looked her in the eye nervously. "Mom...I-I'm so sorry for what happened last night- I can barely remember anything....I know it probably was BAD" I said in a hushed tone as my voice trailed off. 

I was so tense, I didn't know how my mom would react or what she would say but she smiled. I could tell it was a fake smile, she was hiding something. "Sweetie it's okay...You came home drunk last night...Some guy walked you home...Your sister and dad  exchanged some harsh words with each other last night but everything is okay" she said in a way that made the future seem unforeseeable like the other side of the moon we never get to see. She then went on saying "I'm just worried about you...You're healing from your concussion and I'm sure it's bad to drink alcohol in that state" she said to me with a tone of despair. 

I stood there speechless for a moment. My mother was being nice to me but little did she know was that she was making me have an inner reality check. What was wrong with me? I went out and got drunk and I'm recovering from a concussion what if I made things worse?!?!? I was thinking of all the horrible things that could be going on inside of my body right now but I was disrupted when my mother eyed me up and down dubiously. "Soooo what's going on between you and that guy? Is he your boyfriend?!?!? Oh my little baby is growing up!" she asked me and I could tell she was thrilled about it but I wasn't. 

"Oh mom!" I said in a ludic way. "I don't like him that way and besides, he's just a friend and I think he has a girlfriend...We barely know eachother" I said to her trying to avoid the next round of questions I was so sure she was going to ask me about him. I then admitted to her that I was afraid I had done something bad to my body "Mom can you please check in with the doctors and see what they say about my situation or if I should come in and get checked out-my head hurts" 

My mom stopped laughing and joking and became serious. To my surprise she didn't ask me more questions about Denver, she let it go and then said "Oh yes...That reminds me I have to go to the bank, if your dad comes home tell him I need to talk to him ASAP...You're sister should be home in an hour and DO NOT read, DO NOT even think about reading or studying or anything...I already called up the school and told them you won't be there for the rest of this month until you recover and I will check in with the doctor for you about your concerns okay but it's probably just a hangover and a mix of the pain you got from Wednesday... I should be going now but I will be back later...I'm going to be around more" she said quickly before she finished her drink and put the glass back onto the counter and walked off towards the door.

I watched my mother walk out of the front door and she walked as if she were on a mission, quick and serious it was obvious she had no time to waste. She left me standing there with so much more questions that needed answers. My mind lingered on the last words she said "I'm going to be around more" why? I tried desperately to think of everything that happened last night "Your father and sister exchanged some harsh words with each other" I repeated to myself. What did she mean when she said that? I couldn't remember anything that happened last night but I was still unsure whether or not it was the cause of my mothers strange actions and words.There was nothing I could do but wait for her to get home or better yet I would just ask my sister when she got home. Now it was time to play the waiting game and I was more than bored. 

I walked over to our little storage closet we always used to put stuff in and walked in and experienced overwhelming nostalgia while I looked at everything. We still had the snowboard hanging on the wall from when we took a family vacation to Peru. We still had all the old clothes we used to wear that we could no longer fit like baby clothes. I looked at the stand holding all of the old Cd's we had from the 70's and 80's and it was all a bunch of music my parents listened to when they were younger. It was all so sentimental and special to me, it reminded me of the times when we actually used to live like a family, a real one. I looked at my guitar and began wondering why I put it in here in the first place, this closet was a place for putting things that were old and would never be touched any time soon. 

I looked all the way in the corner of the closet and looked at the bass guitar standing behind the CD stand. It was a family gift that one of my moms ex-boyfriends gave to us and it was placed here in this closet because my father hated it. It was so edgy and punk just like the guitars David had in his basement. 

My cheeks became hot to the touch and I placed my hand on the side of my cheek. I remembered how my sister said David needed to talk to me yesterday. I was so caught up with my family issues and Denver so much to the point I forgot about it. He probably was still at school now, I guess I could just talk to him another time, I really wanted to know what he wanted to talk to me about. I looked back at the bass guitar and picked it up. 

I went into the living room and set up a video camera that my family had brought a while back to record all of our special family moments but we never even used it. I figured I would finally put it to use for something besides collecting dust. I walked up to the camera and pressed the record button and it was hard to push but I finally got it and the red circle appeared on the screen with a bunch of numbers counting the time. 

Standing in front of a recording camera was surprisingly very nerve racking. My fingers trembled a little as I held the heavy bass guitar in my hands. I wasn't going to share the video with anyone I just wanted to record it and watch myself and critique my technique and things like that. Recording just made everything feel so 'final' and I felt like I couldn't mess up. "Okay sooo yeah...This is just a personal thing" I said while looking into the camera like a weirdo. "I have no idea why I just said that..Anyways let me just get on with the song" I said as I plucked the strings of the bass to the rhythm I had going on in my head. 

"And it's no fun when I'm freaking out, And it's no fun when I'm always down, And it's no fun when what I'm putting inside of me is making me crazier, And it's no fun when I'm always alone ,And it's no fun when I'm always at home, And it's no fun when you're laughing at me, always laughing at me" I sang out sullenly and timorously, I wasn't sure if I should actually be saying all this stuff because the lyrics  actually felt very personal. 

"You gotta keep me away from what they say about me, You gotta keep me away from what they say about me, say about me, Cause I want to be a better girl" I sang slowly as I thought about last night, still trying to put together the pieces. 

I started messing up on the rhythm and plucked out a few nasty notes. "Uh-shit!" I mumbled as I looked down at my fingers on the fret board and corrected the mistake and kept going on. "And it's no fun when I'm staying up late, And it's no fun when you're bringing a date, And it's no fun when what I'm putting inside of me is making me crazier, And it's no fun when I'm always alone, And it's no fun when I'm always at home, And it's no fun when you're sitting without me, always sitting without me" I sang as my voice resonated out deeply. I moved on to the hook "You gotta keep me away from what they say about me-" just then everything came flooding back to my memory and I realized most of everything that happened last night.I slowly started fading out and eventually put the instrument down and pressed the record button on the camera again to stop it. I stood there in the middle of the room feeling stiff.

I sighed and as I exhaled I spoke to myself. "Oh you messed up BAD this time, more than ever before" I needed to talk to someone, anyone and I needed to talk to them soon. Guilt and shame entered my heart and I was in need of a doctor, an emotional one because surgery definitely couldn't fix the way I was feeling right now. I looked over at my work desk piled with books and grew even sadder. 

The loud crack of thunder was the only thing that could be heard. Raindrops came pouring down from the sky like little mini atomic bombs. Trick Trickle Pit Pat I could hear them splattering up against the windows and the sides of the house. It was so sudden and abrupt yet very soothing and calming. They say when it rains God is angry, was he angry at me? Was there even a God out there?

I sat in the chair of my work area and rested my head on one of the books. "Ugh this all sucks so much!" I shouted out as I slammed my hand against the wooden desk.

I breathed in deeply and stress fully as I felt something in my stomach, it was a strange feeling I couldn't describe but it was just the feeling of overwhelming sadness and I couldn't really describe it. You would have to experience it to understand it, I was holding back the tears that were in my eyes, afraid to let them get the best of me and drop. I felt like crying was a sign of weakness and I hated feeling that way. 

Just then my sister came home and entered the door while saying "Oh God it's such a nasty day...Guess what our 'father' did?" She said sarcastically as she used air quotes and stuck out her tongue in a snarky way.

I shot up from the desk immediately and eagerly asked "What?!?!?" as I looked her up and down. What the hell was she wearing? It was evident that she was definitely taking advantage of the no dress code aspect of amnesty week because her belly button was screaming 'look at me'. 

"Well...I won't say too much but he did something with the family money and I don't know what's going on right now" she said enthusiastically as if this were a good thing. 

I looked at her confusingly, unsure of what to say really. Congratulations? What was so good about this? "Well....That's strange...Mom said you guys exchanged some 'harsh' words with each other last night..What was that all about?" I asked her gently, not trying to dig too deep, I really didn't know my sister that well. We spent most of our years fighting with each other so I had no idea what she would find offensive. I remembered the things that took place last night but I didn't exactly remember everything that was said. 

"I told him he's not really a dad-I FINALLY stood up to him and showed him who's really boss- you remember I almost hit him last night?!?!?" she said cheerfully. 

"That's really not something to be proud of-You know mom was drinking this morning and she never drinks" I said to her cautiously as my voice trailed off. 

My sister looked off to the side and away from me as she continued on saying. "Well I don't care he deserved every word I said to him last night! I feel bad for mom but I don't feel bad for him, he's a douchebag....Look just make sure you talk to David okay he asked me about you again- here's his number" she said to me as she handed me a white slip of paper that was torn and ruffled at the edges and she walked off into the kitchen. 

"Uhhh...Sure thing- you know I didn't mean to make you feel any kind of way when I said that and thanks for covering for me yesterday" I said to her reassuringly as I held the piece of paper in my hand. She was off into the kitchen but I heard her say "Mhmm-" was all that she said,whatever that meant. 

I picked up my phone and decided I would just text David, I really didn't want to talk to him. The last time I saw him I gave him the most bitchiest attitude ever and I felt like a text was just more appropriate, talking face to face or on the phone would've just been too intimidating. 'Hey it's Melody my sister said you needed to talk to me just hmu anytime'

After that I went up to my bedroom and jumped onto my bed as I hurdled up into fetal position and drifted off to sleep. So many things were on my mind and sleep felt like the only answer, a temporary answer.  Everything that happened yesterday was just an earthquake and it wouldn't be too long until we started experiencing the aftershocks.