Chapter 14:  A Heart made of Glass

The hot humid summer night air was making my stomach do back flips and cart wheels. I was nauseous beyond belief but I knew it wasn't all because of the hot air, it was also because I was thinking about whose house we were driving to. My mother and I had been driving on the freeway passing exit by exit and we were now at exit 99 driving on the bumpy old pavement that made the bags of clothes in back seat jump up and down like popcorn kernels when they're hot.

We made it passed the Hoffman's theater and once I saw that big poster of a movie character I knew we had officially entered the rural area of town, goodbye big city and hello country life. "You know this will be good for us to see her again, we won't stay long I promise" my mother said to me as we cruised down the road while Madonna was playing on the radio, it was her older music and it sounded so vintage. As soon as I heard the loud thump as the car went over a pot hole I knew we had arrived. 

My mother pulled the car into the drive way and we got out and walked up to the front door. She rang the doorbell frantically 10 times in a row as her finger shook. "Now don't say anything just go in be nice and say hi that's all you have to do okay" my mother said to me demanding as she looked at me with a straight face. 

"Yeah, yeah whatever..You don't have to worry about me saying a thing to her" I said spitefully as I thought about every painful memory I had. I didn't want to go through that door, I didn't want the door to even open, I didn't want to face her, I didn't even want to see her, I hated her. I stood there for a moment as the little voice in my head kept saying 'please don't answer' but of course the door opened and we were asked to come inside by that familiar old frail voice I used to always hear when I was younger. 

We walked in the door way and looked up at my grandmother and surprisingly my uncle who I hadn't spoken to or seen in 9 years. "Hi there my sweet precious daughter! Oh I've missed you-Hi Melody...You look- interesting" my grandmother said to me as she looked me up and down, she had such a horrible attitude towards me and I never knew why she felt like she needed to call me by my first name instead of something more appropriate. "Wow mom you didn't tell me Olivia would be here with Melly" my uncle said to my grandmother as he looked at me and my mother. He always called me Melly, it was a childish nickname but I liked it, my parents never had given me a nickname. 

There was an awkward silence for a moment and I just stood there holding my hands in front of me as I smiled a fake smile at my grandmother. She was such a bitch, I thought about what she had just said to me and I just stood there smiling at her. she had gray hair, a hunch back, and was single yet I was the one that seemed 'interesting'. I was laughing inside, she seriously needed a reality check. "Awww grandma you look great- I see your still single after all these years...You know that's really a shame" I said in the most positive and sarcastic way I could've. I heard my mother sigh as she stood beside me and I bit my lip thinking about how I had probably angered her by saying that. 

She wasn't mad at me though, she was irritated by my uncle. "Ugh do you ever mind your own business Croy? What are you doing here?!?!?" my mother questioned him. My family had serious issues, it felt like we had these cliques as if we were in high school. Half of the family hated each other and half of the family liked each other.

"Oh calm down sis! I was here before you and I have no interest in hearing about you and your problems I just want to talk to my beautiful niece who also happened to grow up so fast!" he said excitingly as he smiled at us. 

My grandmother mother looked over and said "Ugh Croy hush up, you and your sister still treat each other the way you did when you were both teenagers! Melody has a chubby baby face" I clenched my fists and just stood there looking at her, she seriously had issues. My grandmother looked over at my mother and said "Come on let's go talk in the dining room" 

My mother and my grandmother had walked away and went into the dining room and were talking so discreetly that I couldn't even hear them even though there was no door there. I couldn't shake the feeling that my dad had done something horribly wrong. Me and my uncle were sitting in the living room and didn't say much at first. "So how have you been?" he asked me. 

"I'm great!" I said quickly as I looked away from him. It was kind of awkward to sit around someone you were supposed to know everything about yet you didn't. 

My uncle laughed at me and said "Oh come on who are you fooling! Don't lie to me Melody Marie Wiggins! Are there any guys I have to introduce to my handy dandy shot gun?" he asked me while laughing huskily with his deep voice.

"Ohhhh uncle Croy" I said as I shook my head back and forth. I rubbed the back of my neck and went on saying "There's no guy in this world I would even think about introducing you to" 

He smiled at me and said "I'm glad you're smart enough to know I will scare those guys away" he said to me as he laughed and then grew silent as he stood there looking at me again. "You've changed so much it's just unbelievable....It feels so unreal. How's your sister?" he asked me. 

"Oh you know she's okay. She's still cheer leading, she has her boyfriend Cris and we've actually been kind of getting along lately" I said slowly as I looked away from him again. 

He looked off to the side as he said "Well that's good at least something changed for the better....How's your mom and dad? Are they around more?" he asked me somewhat cautiously.

I didn't say anything, I slouched into the chair and rested my arms against my thighs. "Mom will always be mom...You know how she is. Dad is okay I guess, we're just going through a difficult time and it's hard for them to be home with us because of their business and stuff" I said as I looked at the ground. 

"Oh I see..." he said slowly as his voice trailed off. He stood up and looked at me again as he frowned and sighed. "It's such a shame I never got to be there for you guys- I- I never- I never got to see my dream come true- I never- I didn't even have a chance" he said to me as he inhaled deeply. "I need a cigarette....I'll be outside" he said before he walked off and the front door closed and made a swoosh sound.

I got up and creeped over to the dining room. I looked in and watched my mom and grandmother talk. "Well he can't deny it for long...he really screwed up big time" my grandmother said to my mom and my mom said "you're damn right he did! I just can't believe this is happening to ME of all people...What did I do to deserve this?" my mother asked my grandmother. "Nothing sweety- nothing at all" she quickly replied. 

"I did everything right! I tried to be the perfect wife! I gave him the perfect kids- well at least one perfect kid...." my mother said as her voice trailed off before she continued on with her sentence. "Jessica is captain of the cheer team, she has friends, a boyfriend and everything she's what every father could possibly want" my mom said as she breathed in deeply "I know Melody is a little strange and doesn't have a boyfriend but at least she's smart- I just don't understand him, he said I'm a bad parent and I'm raising the girls up to be sluts" my mother said and then breathed in and out deeply and roughly, it was obvious she was about to cry but I had no sympathy for her after hearing what she just said.

"Oh that filthy son of a bitch! You're not raising them up to be sluts at all I mean seriously look at Melody she doesn't dress up nice or try to even talk to guys...She's far from a slut....Do you think she might be a lesbian?" my grandmother said and I could feel my heart stop beating. 

I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door closed. Tears started pouring out of my eyes and my hands trembled as I held them against my face trying  to stop the tears  from rushing out of my eyes but I couldn't. The pain was just too real, it hurt so bad. 

I felt so ugly, so unwanted and useless. As much as I tried to pull my self together and deny that, it only made it worse. I knew I was ugly, unwanted and useless. I sobbed and felt a pain in my stomach because I was breathing so hard and roughly. My nose began running and I began to choke on my own tears. 

I kept my hands over my face, afraid to look at the mirror and see my reflection. The girl that would face me in the mirror was ugly, unwanted, and useless. I didn't even want to look. 

"You're ug-ugly uh-unwanted and use-uesless-" I said as my voice staggered in between my sobs and broken heart. "FUCKING USELESS!" I screamed out loud as I continued crying and my face was covered in my warm and wet tears. 

I breathed in and out deeply, trying to stop my tears. I  was pissed off, embarrassed, and hurt beyond belief. It was so hard to even control myself, my emotions were running wild. 

Like an idiot I followed my instinct to rub my eyes but I realized I had my glasses on. "Fucking ugly and useless" I whispered to my self. While I felt a muscle in my stomach moving around and aching in pain because I was sobbing and breathing so erratically 

I removed my hands from my face and stood there. I was ready to open my eyes, I knew what I was and I just had to deal with it. My body shook back and forth and my nose sniffled as I took a deep breath. 

Opening my eyes slightly and sniffling I looked at the girl in the mirror. "You're so ugly-so-s-s-s-sss-so fucking ugly!" I said to myself as I stuttered. It wasn't my fault I couldn't look like the girls in magazines. I couldn't help the fact that I wore glasses and didn't even have breasts big enough to fit a normal sized bra. I had no hips, no curves, none of the features of a woman. To hell with it, I didn't even get my God damn period yet! I looked like a man, I was so ugly and just pathetic. How could I even look people in the eye no wonder I had so little self esteem. 

I closed my eyes again and just kept breathing in and out. 'Do you think she's a lesbian?' those words kept on running through my mind like a broken record.

My blood became hot like fire. I clenched my fists and could feel my heart pounding in my chest. thump thump thump I could hear the people in my school that made fun of me, I could hear the things my sister used to say to me, I could hear the words my mother said to me. 'Fatass' 'Why don't you try and be more like Jessica' 'Look at the nerd' I looked at the girl in the mirror and hate entered my entire body. I started shaking. I was a bottle of precious champagne that had been shaken way too much and now I was going to explode. I  screamed "AGhhhhhh! Grrrrrahhh!" My piercing scream was all that I could hear along with a CRACK. I felt tiny vibrations beneath my feet and realized something had fallen to the ground. My left arm was also stinging and burning with pain like it had been set on fire. 

All my fear, despair, and pain had bursted out of me and drifted into the air in the bathroom, destroying the ambiance. A tidal wave of emotions flooded the room and as of now the water was right at the tip of my nose. I looked in front of me only to see a mirror that was cracked and broken. Shattered just like the girl that stood in front of it.

My heart raced in my chest and I fell to the ground. I looked at the floor and examined all the broken glass chips and pieces. I did all that? I was taken back and felt my head spinning around. I lifted my arm and placed it over my mouth, I was in utter shock. I didn't even know I could do such a thing like that. I knew my family would probably enter the room and see all this but I didn't even bother to get up from the floor, I felt paralyzed. The aroma of blood crawled up my nose and I looked down at my hand and the rest of my arm and realized it was covered in a crimson, watery liquid. Blood was so pretty yet bad at the same time.Blood was like a woman in a pretty dress on the dance floor, graceful and smooth as it runs down your skin in an almost alluring way. Blood could represent life, pain, and death all at the same time, it was so twisted yet ravishing and beautiful.

Woosh, the bathroom door swung open and my mom and grand mother were screaming. My uncle busted through the door and picked me up into his arms. "What happened?" my uncle asked me in a calm tone as he rubbed my shoulder. I closed my eyes and rested my face up against his shoulder. "I'm fine" I simply whispered but my uncle knew damn well that was a lie. He sighed and then said "You're face and arm is covered with blood you're not 'fine' Mel"