Chapter 22: Secrets 

Well, I didn't feel like writing about another family dinner even though it is Thanksgiving... So I wrote this instead. My mom actually read some of this, when I was writing about the kiss *blush* But she doesn't really care lol. Happy Thanksgiving.

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"Did you come over for more?" I asked John, eyeing him up and down seductively but he wasn't exchanging the same look with me, he seemed tense.  I could ease his tensions, I knew what he wanted. I dropped my robe to the floor but instead he lowered his head and and sighed, he insisted on talking. "We need to talk" He said while leaning against the door frame as if he would bust through the door if I didn't let him in any second now. He was dressed up pretty damn nice this time, he looked like he was about to handle some business and I liked it. It was like he was trying to be serious, I did the same to him talking low and slow, trying to be seductive. "You know, you're right we do need to talk- we can't keep doing this....You do know that right?" He looked at me after I said that, and he bit his bottom lip. "I said we need to talk, I'm not here for that"  The cold wind was creeping in from the door and it was giving me chills. 

I let him in and as soon as he shut the door behind him I rushed up to him, hugging onto him but he wasn't hugging me back. "Oh! I missed you so much, I wasn't sure how much longer I could go without yo-" He cleared his throat and tried pushing me away from him. "Wha-whats wrong?" I asked him like a child, asking their parent what they did wrong. He looked over at me "You smell like alcohol...Where the hell is our daughter?" Was he serious right now? This had been the best month for us, it was our little secret no one else knew. This entire month was filled with spontaneous sex and many, many great nights, I wasn't ready to let this go. I was never ready to let him go even though he technically had moved on. "Did you even cook? Look at you- you're a joke" He said while peering into the kitchen and then looking at me. "Never mind that- I'm going to ask you one more time where- is our daughter?" He said while pointing to the middle of nowhere, as if that would make me scared. The tension grew tighter in the room like a rope being pulled in tug of war. "How should I know? She went out with that guy again, you know that!" I yelped, getting frustrated and I looked up at him and sighed, I didn't want to talk about anything.  I wanted him badly, I needed him kissing me and exploring my body  even if he didn't want me anymore, it still felt good to feel loved. "No! You see that's why we're not together anymore- you're irresponsible" 

Who the hell was he calling irresponsible? He was the one that got a 19 year old pregnant and he was nearly 40, he was barely there for our kids anyways so why did he give a damn now. "You're immature! You're 38 yet you act like you've never heard of a condom!" I shrieked. "This isn't about me!" He bellowed. "This is about our daughters- you're becoming an alcoholic...Look at you you're a mess, you can't even cook dinner for them and it's THANKSGIVING...What kind of mother are you?" He added on, which only made the fire bigger and much brighter. "Fuck you! I am a good mother! At least I'm still being a factor in one of our daughters lives and you never tried to be..At least I'm stepping up now but what are you doing? You're raising a child with a 19 year old whore and you abandoned your own fucking family for that TRASH! And I'm not an alcoholic just because I like to relax and have a few shots at the end of the day!" He got closer to me putting his fingers in my face, getting all defensive and I did the same. "You fucked up our family and now you're about to fuck up your new one...You come over here almost every weekend for what? To have sex with me!" John got in my face, looking at me like I was a stranger to him. "Yeah, I came over here to have sex with you- you're pathetic...You let me use you however I please but I don't want you anymore...You're disgusting. I came here to tell you that whatever this is...It's over. I have a new life now, a new woman to care for and I'm signing the papers so get ready"  A new life? It was ironic how he was so excited to start his new life yet he kept coming back over here the entire month just to see me. "You're pathetic! You come over here to see ME instead of our daughters! She can't love you like I do, John. She can't make you come back for more-sh-she can't even please you! If she was, you wouldn't be over here every night! You still love me John-admit it! I still make you weak..." I cried out to him, wanting him to reciprocate but instead he just stood there like a mime. 

"Say something John!" I screeched, between my teeth that were now practically grinding against each other. My eyes were warm and tears ran down my cheek. I was tired of begging him, so tired. Why was I even trying anymore? "Fine! Don't say anything- that's all you're good for: Being a bitch and running away from your problems! You're not even a real man...You can't even last longer than 15 minutes in bed- I should be the one complaining! Go run away like you always do-you  can't handle a real woman like me..That's why you chased your way up some little girls skirt. GO JOHN! LEAVE! SIGN THE PAPERS AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!" He didn't even hesitate, he didn't try to fight for me, for us. He just walked out the door without even saying a word. Why did I waste 19 years of my life with this scumbag? I knew I should've left, I knew things wouldn't work out but I still stayed and now I was the one he was leaving, it should've been the other way around. 

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"So are you excited?" David asked me, and I knew what he was talking about. He thought that just because I liked learning things and reading books I was excited to go back to school tomorrow, my 3 weeks were up and my doctor had cleared me.But was there even a reason to be excited for anything anymore?  Here I was , sitting on the grass in the middle of the woods with David and it was Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful for little things like family and friends yet I felt like I wasn't thankful for anything. "Are you still mad?" He questioned me yet again, trying to get me to talk more. David came over that evening after we finished eating. We were just playing song after song down in the basement and Adrianne had told us to stop playing, claiming she had a bad migraine. David was dressed up, his parents made him and so was I, Adrianne liked having us dress up on special occasions and quite frankly I found it annoying. Either way I took my piercing out, just to show her some respect. Adrianne liked for me and Allyson to match, and she thought this shirt was absolutely lovely. I guess she didn't realize that I barely had anything to keep the shirt up, Allyson on the other hand- did. I kept re-adjusting this God damn tube top the whole day. Everything was just different, it was like I wasn't in control of my own life anymore and I guess that's kind of true. The wind picked up speed and started blowing fiercely in our direction, I shivered and David moved closer to me. He put his hands on both of my shoulders, rubbing my shoulders trying to make me feel warmer. I looked at him and then back at the grass but I knew he was still looking at me.  "I'm not mad-And I'm not excited-I'm just really confused...Very confused" I said, feeling somewhat taken back by the fact that I felt so comfortable talking to him, most of the time we always talked about him or other things we were interested in, I never really talked about myself or my problems. 

He heaved a great sigh while waiting for me to look at him but I still didn't bother to look at him, he was so intimidating but I felt like he trusted me although I didn't exactly trust him. "Well, life can become blurry like fog on a dusty,windy road but as long as you keep going the fog will clear up eventually and you will see the light-the purpose of it all...You know?"  I laughed derisively at his little analogy. "So what you're telling me is that there's a purpose for my dad getting a 19 year old pregnant and completely abandoning me and my sister to start a brand new life with her? Gee! I sure can't wait to see what the purpose for that was" David grew silent, not saying a word and I regretted saying that. What was wrong with me these days, sometimes I felt like a completely different person. "Wow Mel, I'm so sorr-" What was with people and that God damn phrase? I didn't let him speak any further "David don't say you're sorry, it just doesn't make any sense. Why would you be sorry? You didn't make my father have an affair, so why are you sorry? I hate when people say that especially when people pass away- the person didn't cause your loved one to die so why do you say sorry...It just doesn't make sense to me. Look, I don't need you to feel sorry for me David...If anyone should be sorry it should be my father" I held my legs into my chest, rested my head on my knee caps and looked away from David. "I don't even care about anything anymore" 

The wild winds rushed by once again almost making every tree move further from eachother. David got closer to me as if he wasn't already close enough, rubbing my back timorously as if he was scared of what I might do. "Don't say that, you don't mean that" I shook my head against my knees "But I DO mean it...Everything is different, everyone is different, I'm just done caring. I feel like no one cares about me anymore...They're all too busy with their own lives" David laughed and I wanted to elbow him in the stomach. "Don't be silly, princess- I care about you" Warmness was the only thing I felt inside when he said that, yet I replied so coldly to him. "Oh, please quit fucking around" We both sat there in the stillness that surrounded us, which made me want to look up and see the look on his face, he was too quiet. For all I knew he could've been sitting there giving me the middle finger right behind my back. "Look at me" He said in a grim tone of voice which made my heart jump, he was being stern with me like he was expecting me to look at him. "No" I retorted while pressing my face up against my knees even harder as some sort of defense mechanism. "Why must you be so difficult?" He asked me and he continued, "You know I can always just get up and sit on the other side of you-forcing you to look at me" 

Suddenly a lightning bolt with 10,000 volts of electricity struck my heart, making me move. I lifted my head and turned to face him, dead on looking deep into his ocean blue eyes. "WHAT?" I screeched and that only made him smile, with that smug look he always seemed to have on his face. "Why do you insist on annoying me?" I questioned him and he rolled his eyes at me, sighing profoundly. "BECAUSE of what I just said to you" There was a moment of silence. Was he waiting for me to say something, I had nothing to say to his absurd statement. "I care about you, sassy-pants" I started to turn away from him after he said that but he quickly reached out his hand, stroking the side of my face with his cold hand which was now getting warm from the mini stove burners that were on top of my cheeks. He turned his hand around and now his palm was touching the side of my face, his thumb was grazing against my cheeks only making them hotter, I was surprised his fingers weren't scorching by now. "What- what are you doing?" I said slowly but he sat there remaining inert, with his hand still on my cheek looking deep into my eyes, looking right through me. My leg's wanted to move, they wanted to get up and just run away from here but I couldn't. There was something there- something that made me remain still and just go with the moment, I felt like I couldn't just turn away. 

I could tell that he was reading me and I was reading him as well. He moved in closer, and so did I. We both were smiling at this point and I felt the wind picking up speed, blowing up against my back and all around us. The wind was like a subliminal catalyst because in that moment our lips crashed and I wasn't sure who kissed who first. I could feel his hand tremble a little as he still kept it against my cheek, almost pulling my face in closer to his even though they were already touching. His tongue traced all the way across my bottom lip as if he were licking an envelope. David was very unpredictable and when he placed his other hand on the lower part of my back it made me jump a little and I gasped which only made it easier for him to get what he wanted. My lips parted as I gasped and he slid his tongue into my mouth slowly and eventually my tongue met his. David was practically making his own prelude, groaning here and there. I relaxed a little once I realized he was only keeping his hand on my back, and not trying to do anything else and then that was when I really got into it. It was like a ballet show going on in our mouths, delicate and intense at the same time.  There was a rhythm, a graceful one and our tongues twirled around each others like an elegant ballerina does on stage. The excitement, oh the excitement- there was alot of excitement and it just kept you at the edge of your seat like a ballerina would do to the audience. When he got slower, I did too and when he got faster I did the same, trying to keep up. Although, I had to sit back just like the audience in awe, a few times. I moaned, knowing I couldn't keep up, it was like he was making my tongue faint, in my mouth. It wasn't long before my tongue had awoken and sprung right back into the action. My fingers were clenching on to my boots, my fingers were practically mini daggers, puncturing holes into them. Rise and fall, raise and fall. Jump and release, jump and release. We were playing cat and mouse-he teased me and I teased him back, our tongues were roughly and spasmodically  playing tag. I wanted more, and more, I wanted to know what was next, I had to know what was next.

But then, it was all over everything, all over and finished. That fast pace that was there had slowed down and now the ballerina had walked off the stage, finishing her dramatic performance. David stopped kissing me, and was looking up at me slowly like he was looking for some sort of signal. I knew I looked like a deer in headlights, everything happened so quickly and now I was just wondering why he had stopped. David's head moved sort of like a balloon being released into the sky, and serenely floating up into the middle of no where, getting closer and closer to it's fate of ultimately imploding. However, that wasn't the case for us. I could feel David breathing on my neck for what felt like the longest time, until he actually put his lips against my neck. The warmth of his breath was making me mad, he had a real way of being suspenseful and exciting, making me want more of him-either that or he was actually hesitating. Suddenly, like a kitten jumping from a counter and onto the floor, my eyes shot wide open. David was running his warm tongue along the side of my neck, and sucking ever so gently on it. My jaw dropped, it was like I wasn't in control of my body anymore. I tried closing my mouth but, I was hopeless. My lips parted again, it was like an instinct, and I couldn't restrict it. I rested my head up against the hard and rough tree trunk we had been leaning against, my eyes nearly rolled to the back of my head and suddenly and swiftly, a soft moan eluded from between my delicate lips. It felt like I was being tickled, but not exactly because, tickling made you laugh, but this-whatever it was, made you want to keep going further. David's hands were creeping up, centimeter by centimeter and now his finger tips were gracing my my bellybutton, right through my skimpy shirt. I looked up, the moon was illuminating so brightly and the stars were all perfectly in line with the universe, I could've sworn I saw one of the stars move across the sky- a shooting star. If wishes were real I wished this moment would last forever, I mean sure it was sort of wrong but God dammit, wrong felt so right. They say comets are cold, hard, dusty balls of ice and I was beginning to believe that was exactly what that 'shooting star' was because David's phone vibrated in his pocket. Once David looked at his phone that was when everything faded away and sort of vanished into the dark sky above us.

Chapter 21: New Beginnings

Sorry there's a lot of writing more so than pictures in this chapter...I tried something different and obviously I won't be doing that again...I always have too much pictures or too much writing *Sigh* anyways, this is pretty much the turning point in the story....Now I can have fun with it :)

Black and gold, beige and white. Those were the only colors that could be seen in sight. How was it that something considered to be so wrong seemed so right? November 3rd, the wind was blowing a crisp cool breeze and the fragrance of love and Autumn were all around. Red and orange leaves were dropping to the ground, ultimately preparing for a new season in the future.The crisp leaves left that earthy smell in the air and everything just felt, fresh and new. I watched my uncle and my soon to be aunt, Adrianne. There they stood, standing around looking at the altar making sure everything was in the correct place and looked presentable. I know you're probably thinking what the hell. Why is the groom looking at his soon to be bride? OR : It's only been a month and they're already getting married?!? I was surprised myself but they weren't traditional at all. They didn't believe in superstition. The only thing they really believed in was love, and that was the reason why we were all gathering here today, they didn't care if others thought it was too soon. They wanted to seal the deal right here, right now, today. I watched as their lips met and they pulled away from each other smiling into the others eyes and resting their head on each others shoulders. I smiled too, happy for them. 

I left them to be alone with each other and walked into the living room fluidly. Yup that's right, we were having the wedding right here at home considering the fact that no one from Adrianne's family was coming and most of the people in our own family were too far out of reach and didn't exactly really want to be here in the first place. Adrianne wanted a small wedding, and considering the fact that things moved so fast between them they really didn't want to wait around and plan things out and make reservations. My sister was sitting on the couch with Collin, practically snuggling with him. His arm was resting gently on her back, rubbing her spine up and down and her face was filled with a bubbly expression, clearly showing she was thrilled. Collin lowered his eyes at her and he peered at her in a menacing way, which only made her eyes grow larger and she gasped. "COLLIN! Stop you know that tickles-" Eric sure would've been pissed if he saw that but, Jessica still kept stringing him along, he knew it, she knew it, I knew it, everybody knew it. But, no one understood why she continued to string him along especially since she made it blatantly obvious that she didn't really want to be with Eric anymore hell, she didn't even invite him to the wedding. It was crystal clear, she didn't want him anymore. 

"Where's mom and-"Jessica immediately leaped up from the couch once she heard my voice. I wasn't sure if she was so mesmerized by Collin that she didn't notice me or if she simply couldn't take his tickling anymore. "Mom is in a bad mood so she's hiding out in the car until the wedding officially starts and grandma- well you know how our grandmother is" I rolled my eyes, why couldn't they just fucking get over it, they always got so upset when things didn't go my mother's way. "She's in the car with mom, cheering her up and things like that" She finally finished her sentence and I nodded in agreement. I caught Collin gazing at me almost as if I were an object he was going to paint, I knew that look way too well, he was studying and I was the subject. It left me feeling pretty unnerved, I glared at him hoping he would get the hint but he still didn't stop staring at me. "I-I guess I'll go upstairs and check on Allyson" Jessica sat back down on the couch and looked over at Collin like a child who looks up to their idol, it was as if I hadn't even said a word because she didn't even respond to me she just gave me a semi-nod. 

Going upstairs to check on Allyson was a joke all within itself. It had been a whole month that we had to deal with each other yet Allyson still didn't like me. We  practically were roommates this whole month because Adrianne was always over here and sometimes she spent the night. I wondered what she was doing up in her room. She probably was sitting there in the mirror, crying and whining about how Adrianne was making her take her piercings out for the wedding, as usual. Adrianne and Allyson, didn't necessarily have the mother-daughter relationship that someone would expect them to have, it was complicated- very complicated.  After today everything would be official. Adrianne would technically be my aunt,and  Allyson would technically be my cousin and it felt odd. Everything, and everyone in my life was changing, some for better and some for worse. I pulled out my phone checking for any text messages, there were no new messages but I could still see the numerous amounts of texts from people that were responding to that dumb video I cried about a month ago, I had no reason to cry because for the most part everyone surprisingly liked it. Once I got over the little negative comments, I was really able to see the bigger picture, I was admired in a way and almost respected. I looked over to the corner of my contacts, Jessica. I really needed to update her photo because, she definitely was no longer blonde. Appearantly, her new hazel colored strands of hair made her seem 'smarter' according to who? Collin. I really didn't agree with her conforming to a guys opinion but I didn't even say anything bad to her I just told her the color looked nice on her, and it did, the only problem was the fact that, it just wasn't her. Ever since she was young she bragged about her naturally, perfect , blonde hair yet now it was hiding under a bunch of false pigments. Vvvvvrrrrinnng! New message from, David: 'I'm here r u guys playing hide and seek? :P' It hadn't even been a nanosecond before he sent me another text that said 'Nvm, just come outside I'm confused' 

It was pretty chilly outside, and the wind nearly slapped me across the face once I opened the door. "I hope your uncle doesn't mind the fact that I parked on the grass, I just saw your mom parked on the grass so I figured it was okay-Am I late? Your mom just walked around the back...Were you guys waiting for me or something?"David asked me and  I looked over my shoulder at the yard, my uncle really needed to get someone to pave a road into our lawn, the tire marks on the grass were becoming quite unsightly. Not to mention the 1990 Dodge Caravan that had just been parked beside our garage this whole month, looking hairy-Thanks to Allyson's friend. That old piece of crap had just been sitting there the whole month, because Allyson didn't have her license yet. I wasn't surprised if that thing was making our property value go down. "Oh- no it's fine, I honestly don't even know who we're waiting for anymore" I replied casually.

"What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong played in the background while we all sat outside waiting and waiting to actually get the ceremony started. Bottles of wine were the only thing at the table and my mother and my grandmother were indulging in it sharing a little clink as they said "Cheers". Allyson was causing a scene, refusing to come down with the rest of us. She kept on saying "I, invited a friend" or "Hold on just a few more minutes-he's coming" and it was getting old, I was starting to think she actually didn't want to be a part of the wedding because she honestly wasn't excited about this- at all. Collin and Jess were sitting beside each other giggling and looking into each others eyes although I swear he glanced over at me a couple of times. Something about him just made me feel strange and I didn't know why. "No-no-no! This wine is sweeter, and more....Hmmm I don't know...Acidic?" My mother asked my grandmother and they both nodded at each other critically as if they were professional wine tasters and to be honest I was losing count of which bottle they were on, glasses were all around their side of the table filled with various wines. Some of the bottles weren't even filled with wine, and I was a little embarrassed that they were being so loose. The tension was emanating from my mother and my grandmother, I looked over at her and smiled faintly but she didn't return the favor instead, she looked at my grandmother and they had their own little conversation, stuck in their own little world filled with alcohol and sorrow. Fuck them, I didn't need them in my life, I thought to myself even though it was not only embarrassing but it was hurtful too. Gosh, what's taking Allyson so long? I swear if she wasn't down here in 5 minutes, I was going inside. 

David took his index finger and flicked it against my shoulder like he was flicking a light switch. I turned to him, about to get snappy with him before he asked me. "Hey, since when did you get a nose piercing? You know that's like a freaking abomination to all man kind!" I laughed at his sarcasm, clearly understanding who we was mocking. Surprisingly, David and I talked alot over that whole course of a month and he told me alot about his parents and everything about him pretty much. We never really saw eachother in person alot though, so I understood why he was kind of confused looking at me right now. "Well, you know I wanted to get my ears pierced but I didn't want to go through pain twice in a row sooooo- I got my nose pierced instead!" It was silly, and I knew it but hey, I had a low tolerance for pain. I really loved my piercing even though I must admit it did look kind of trashy-to some people and on certain occasions it was just totally unacceptable. It was funny because Adrianne always fought with Allyson because of her piercings but my uncle didn't really care about little things like that but Adrianne always said "No- she looks like an alien, she has to take them out" and Allyson always put up a fight, that was a routine argument I had gotten used to hearing between the two of them and it didn't really rouse me anymore. David was laughing at me and then he stopped and just smiled at me which made me feel a little queer. "You look so different now-" He stopped mid sentence and his eyes grew larger while he leaned in somewhat closer to me. "Not in a bad way! But in a good way you know, a really- really good way" My mother looked over at us and I ignored her, smiling back at David and nodding my head. "Thanks...I guess some change is good" 

My hair had grown longer and there were times when I couldn't keep my fingers out of my hair, like now. I sat there with my fingers intertwined in each strand, twirling them around and around.  I swiveled it at the ends and looked down at them , no more split ends. A straightner had become a foreign object to me these days. I had stopped caring for my hair really, besides washing it and doing all of the basics I never really styled it, I was too busy with my life to even care about how it looked but it wasn't until now that I realized how healthy it looked, glimmering and shimmering under the warm, delicate sun. Screeeech the back door swung open. Thank the heavens, Allyson was FINALLY going to come outside so we could get this wedding started. I was just starting to believe there was a God until I looked up and saw Allyson, and Denver standing beside her with his blonde hair catching light in all direction. Of all people, why would she invite him? He was the last person I would even want to see, he still didn't even bother to text me back after I apologized and it had been a month. Fucker. 

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Let's fast forward to the best part of that day, the actual purpose of that day. "You may now kiss the bride" The priest said and Adrianne kissed my uncle, she smiled at him deviously. "We went through this like 1,000 times!" He shouted at her before he laughed. Adrianne gasped just before my uncle's lips crashed into hers and somehow they both giggled between that kiss and everyone was looking at them. Even after the kiss was over they just stood there holding eachother, looking at eachother, his suit was white and gold and her dress was just beige and it almost looked metallic because of all the reflections it was producing. The sun was shining on them which almost made it painful to watch them, her dress was really shining so brightly, like a light bulb. I squinted through the glare and smiled. Suddenly the air felt warmer and the winds were more mellow.

What was a wedding without sappy love songs? I walked up to the altar, next to the pianist that we had hired for this day and she looked at me with that 'Are you ready?' kind of look and I nodded my head signaling for her to begin playing. I was singing L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole, Adrianne had begged me to sing it for the longest time and now I finally was. The ambiance shifted and everything felt different. I was swaying back and forth with my eyes closed, trying to hide how nervous I was. There was a constant phrase ringing in my head like some sort of  mantra: Don't open your eyes, whatever you do, don't open your eyes. And that's what I did the entire 3 minutes, we did everything plain and simple. We didn't have a microphone and we didn't really want one, we wanted everything to be genuine and heartfelt. "Love was made for me and you" I sang as my voice faded out into the atmosphere. I opened my eyes and looked at everyone, they all clapped except my mom and my grandmother- they got up to leave. Even though, I was finished sining Adrianne and Croy were still swaying around, they looked over at us all, Adrianne gave me a wink- I guess that was her way of thanking me. Everyone got up out of their seats to go join them, slow dancing once they said "Come on, you guys we want you to be apart of this too- it's not just all about us" 

Everyone had someone to slow dance with, except for me and David was sitting down in his seat with his hands glued to his phone. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel like he was obligated to dance with me, I went inside to go find my mom. The little bit of a bond that we had was completely broken and I wanted answers. I felt like my sister wasn't telling me everything about what happened between my parents. I heard mumbling coming from upstairs and followed the trail of voices. Once I got up the steps and walked into the room my grandmother looked up at me, shook her head and walked down the stairs "I can't even be in the same room as her"  I could've lost it right then and there and said something back but I rolled my eyes. Black streams of sorrow were flowing down my mother's cheek and there were several new streams beginning to flow. "Mom-What's wrong...Please, would you please just talk to me. Stop shutting me out" I said to her as I got closer to her, I tried to rub her arm but she moved towards me and shook her index finger at me "Don't even" was all that she said and I backed up throwing my hands up in surrender. 

She made a "Hmph!" noise and looked down at me, frowning. I watched her transform into a monster right before my own eyes  and I never felt more fearful for my life than ever before. "What's wrong? Hmmm let's see...Well, your sister is always out- she leaves me by myself so she can go hang out with that guy! My brother...my own fucking BROTHER took my God damn daughter away from me! He made you turn against me! He made you HATE me!" Hearing her say that, made me want to cry, her voice was shaking and her lips trembled. "Mom- I - I don't-" I tried consoling her, I tried to make things better, I tried and tried but she resisted, she made herself feel that way. "Don't you dare say you don't hate me because I know you do, look at your father-you look just like him...It sickens me" Wow, was that really how she felt? "Your dad is running of with that little fucking girl and now he's having a baby with her! It's all your fault! It's all your fucking fault- if you would've never left maybe your father would've stayed" She tilted her head up, clearly trying to stop the tears from falling and she laughed, sarcastically. "What does she have that I don't? I'm 35 and I have my shit together, and she probably still lives with her parents,I'm beautiful and I haven't even gotten a wrinkle yet- WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T? WHAT CAN SHE GIVE HIM THAT I CAN'T?" Her voice cracked and she started sobbing. Her voice was staggering all over the place as she tried to catch her breath and speak normally but it didn't stop the fact that I could still understand her, I under stood every single word she said to me that day. She looked me dead in the eye and I felt like my back was touching a sheet of ice. "I hate you- this is all your fault- I - I hate you" They say you should take a second and think before you speak when you're angry but I couldn't, it just hurt so bad hearing my own mother say that to me. "You know what mom- FUCK. YOU." I laughed sarcastically, right back at her. "You're always looking for someone to blame- you know maybe dad left you because you're always so busy being a fucking bitch-My sister decided to leave you by yourself, NOT ME.  Croy never says anything about you mom- I left because of YOU, you made me leave, you made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be your daughter he has NOTHING to do with that- I saw you that day you slapped dad -I saw you- I SAW YOU! And it is NOT my fault that my dad decided to knock up some 19 year old so don't you EVER blame me for what HE did- He decided to have sex with her, NOT ME. " My face was wet and warm. My dad had disappeared from my life and even though he barely was there half the time, this was permanent and he wasn't coming back. "I hate you- I HATE YOU- I HATE YOU MOM! I HATE YOU- I FUCKING HATE YOU WITH EVERY CELL IN MY BODY. I HATE YOU SO MUC-"  

Thud! Before I knew it things spiraled out of control and into oblivion. There I laid on the floor, with my mouth open and my thoughts flickering in my head like those neon lights when they're about to blow.  I looked around and my mother was no where to be found. My hands trembled as I made an effort to get my feet back on the ground. Everything around me was silent and still yet my heart inside me was the only thing making a sound.

There I stood hunching over the counter breathing all over the place. A warm tear trickled down my cheek and it angered me. Bam! I looked at my now red palms after the pretty hard hit I had made on the counter. I looked down at what was on the counter, a bottle of some kind of fancy alcohol. Don't do it: the good voice in my head said. Oh come on, everyone is outside dancing and having a good time and besides, it's a day of celebration they won't be able to tell who drank the alcohol, after all your mom drank most of it: the bad voice in my head said. I grabbed the bottle and had a hard time getting the thing open. "Fuck" I muttered under my breath but eventually it opened and kind of made a pop sound. Bourbon Whiskey, here I come- the name was fancy yet this stuff tasted like a fireball in my mouth, it was fucking gross but I kept drinking it.

After quite a few sips, I couldn't take it anymore especially since I hadn't ate all day. Putting the bottle down and sighing I remained still just looking down at the bottle and then I started sobbing again. No, stop you have to pull yourself together, I told my self.They probably were wondering where I was, I had to go back down. I turned around and realized I wasn't alone. Denver was standing there by the staircase looking at me, with remorse like he felt bad for standing there watching me. "What the fuck are you looking at?!?!" I yelled out, wanting him to say something to me, I wanted to release my anger, I wanted to make someone else feel bad which was bad to say but God dammit it was the truth. He stood there inert, not saying anything and then he turned around and went back down stairs. 

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It seemed like everyone was waiting for me once I had returned, they were all sitting at the table that was now covered with food and joyful faces instead of alcohol and straight faces. We all sat there eating, like one big family. I felt like I was a little kid on a swing set, it had only been about 20 minutes and my stomach was feeling pretty fucking horrible. "Where's your mother?" Adrianne asked , why did she care? I looked at her in a semi-rude way and everyone noticed that. My uncle was giving me that 'Are you okay?' kind of look and I looked away from him and back at Adrianne. "Don't know" was all I said to her and she didn't dare to ask me another question the rest of the time we ate. Jessica and Collin were still in their little utopia land the whole time kind of like everyone else. David still had his fingers stuck to the screen of his phone and Denver and Allyson were talking about random stuff, I wasn't even paying attention to anyone or anything but I caught Denver glancing over at me ever so often while I ate. Salmon, it was one of my favorite foods even though I was a vegetarian, I still ate fish. A feeling of regret washed over me and pulled me in like a rip tide. Here I was half-drunk at my uncle's wedding - being a bitch to his wife and all he was doing was trying to enjoy his own day, he didn't deserve it.

After everyone finished eating we all made a toast to "New beginnings". My uncle insisted that we all have a glass of wine, even though half of us weren't even 21, besides Collin. He filled the glasses with such a small amount of wine, it was decent but small.  "Here's  to a warm future and never ending years of sweet love" My uncle said and we all raised our glasses so they touched one anothers. Clink clink clink. I drank the wine slowly, it was much more satisfying than the liqour I drank before. "Now, all of you under 21...Don't tell your parents we let you drink wine" Adrianne said teasingly and everyone laughed but Allyson rolled her eyes at her.  Everyone headed back towards the piano and the speakers that were blasting music after we finished eating. I sat at the table by myself and watched as they all danced and were enjoying themselves, even David and he was dancing by himself. David caught me looking at him and I knew I should've looked away before he gave me that look, that face. He was smirking at me and he danced his way over to me and said "Woo! Don't you love these oldies- You do know that these are from a time period where mp3 format didn't exist..Isn't that just freaking awesome?" His sarcasm was way too funny, and I couldn't help my self from giggling no matter how horrible I felt especially since he was doing the running man. David stopped and so did the music, a slow song started playing and I wasn't sure what it was but everyone behind him was dancing close and swaying around. "Come on" He held his hand out to me, trying to get me to get up and dance. "No. I don't want to and besides I don't even know how to slow dance" I objected but David always had an answer for everything. "So what! It's your uncle's freaking wedding- moments like this only come once in a lifetime and you don't want to look back and regret this so GET UP and dance with me...I'll show you how" I looked the other way, David really had no idea how many regrets I had right now. I looked back towards David who still had his hand out waiting for mine to touch his and I looked up at him and gave him an indistinct smile while placing my hand in his and said  "Fine. ONE dance" . 

We walked over towards everyone else dancing and he got closer to me, putting his arm around my waist. I placed my hand in his other hand and he pulled me in a little closer. It wasn't until I looked up at his face that I realized just how close we actually were right then."Keep your hand up and don't pull me in any closer than this!" I squealed and David just simpered and said "Don't worry I won't try to cop a feel that's what I have a girlfriend for" We both laughed and we began dancing. Back and forth, around and around. I fumbled a few times and ended up stepping on his shoes or just totally messed up the flow. "Do the opposite of what I do, If I move back, move up closer to me- Just follow my lead" He said and that was what I did the entire time and I got the hang of it, eventually. We swayed around back and forth fluidly like water spilling all over a table.  I stopped focusing so much on moving correctly and became focused on other things like how it felt like the ground beneath me was shaking. Everything felt so smooth and slow, I felt loose and I couldn't explain it- maybe it was the alcohol. The way David smelled was breathtaking, literally. With every inhale it would just make you want to exhale quickly again so you could inhale again and take in that sweet harmonious smell, it was wondrous and I damn sure was wondering what it was. I began wondering if he could smell the alcohol on my breath, we were pretty close and now I was growing tense. "You know you never gave me an answer to that question I asked you a month ago-" Oh God here we go again, I thought to myself. Ever since that day he asked me he never forgot to bring it up, every now and then, wondering if I had come up with an aswer yet. "I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about" David laughed while raising an eyebrow and he said "Oh really now?" I smiled slyly at him and nodded. David was an unpredictable guy, he spun me around and I felt my heart drop as I realized he was holding me at an angle and at any moment if he dropped me I could fall to the floor, on my head or something. I had only 3 more weeks left of being a half brain dead person and I didn't want to end up back in that same spot again. My fingers were nearly digging into his shoulders as I said "David! What are you doing- Stop trying to be all fancy!" David laughed and looked down at me, taking delight in the terror on my face. He looked at me and nearly whispered "I want an answer" My stomach was already pretty disturbed from the whiskey I drank, and now he was making me have butterflies on top of that. "So what's it going to be?" He asked me, while dipping me lower. "Okay! Okay! Okay! Yes!" I yelped out loud, everyone laughed at us and David laughed too. "Good" he said before he brought me back up to my feet. 

Chapter 20: Hello there, Future

Thank the heavens I finished this chapter, after this things will actually be more fun to write and things will start to make ALOT more sense. I love writing but things were just dragging on and on so after this chapter there shall be no more dragging and sluggishness going on!

They say good things come in small packages, and right now I knew it was true. It had been a week since the competition and here I was opening the lid of the mail box, to see a bunch of envelopes and silly brouchers advertising a bunch of crap we didn't care about, on top of a few bills. Behind all of that was an envelope with my name on it, it was thin and I felt it vigorously, I felt every corner edge and side of it, and could feel the little thin sheet of paper inside of it, it was definitely a check. 

Time surely didn't exist, when I was zipping through the front door and into my room. I picked up the phone and dialed David's number, he definitely got on my nerves alot of times but I wanted to thank him and besides, I was filled to the brim with excitement. The phone was dialing for what felt like forever and then finally David answered the phone and we shared a series of hello's, awkward ones-very awkward ones. Hello? Hello.... Hello? He sounded worried, as if I was one of those scary debt collectors threatening him. He insisted that I had the wrong number, until I said "It's me, Melody...Jessica's sister" and then he laughed, like he was relieved or something, he sure had a way of being sketchy. "Why are you calling me?" He asked and immediately I responded, not wanting to sound like a pest. "Wow, well I just wanted to say thanks for choosing me of all people to sing with you...I don't know why I'm calling you...I guess I'm just happy you believed in me...I don't know" David laughed after I said that and I could've sworn I heard a car in the back ground, it sounded like he was on the freeway or something but then it became dead silent again and I could hear him struggling with something. Soooosh, I heard the wind in the background and I asked him "Ummm....Are you outside?" David didn't answer me and it took him a while before he responded and  said "Oh, yeah I am outside actually but, yeah no problem" He sure was confusing me, and I wondered if he was actually listening to what I said because it took him an eternity to respond to me. "No problem?" I questioned him and then he chimed in and said "Yeah, no problem....You said you wanted to say thanks so I said no problem" He said that to me like I was dumb or something.

I tightened my grip on the phone, nervous although I hated him, somehow I was beginning to like him, not in a romantic way but in a friendly way, if that even makes sense. Denver was the one I was interested in but, he was a lost cause. I texted him, I actually conjured up the courage to text that bastard and say sorry and he didn't even respond so I followed my uncle's motto and figured it just wasn't meant for us to be friends. The guy had a lot of baggage and a past that would never be expunged and to be honest I wasn't sure I wanted to be bothered with someone like that, and he was kind of a manwhore. I think you're a pearl pearl in a room full of ordinary seashells and sandy rocks. Who says stuff like that? He definitely was a fraud, a blonde, beautiful, freaking fraud. Snap out of it I tell myself and David is on the other end of the line saying. "Hello? Are you still there?" Damn was I really lost in my thoughts for that long? I was so pathetic sometimes. "Oh yeah, sorry I'm sill here...I was thinking about something, what did you say?" David snickered and then increased the volume in his voice like a jack ass. "I SAID, I wanted to talk to you about something kind of important- well I wanted to ask you something" I could tell he sounded reluctant to ask me whatever it was he wanted to ask me and it made me nervous. "Well, um..Sure ask away" I said and David was about to speak when all of a sudden as if there were an earthquake "Aaaah! Chooo!" was all that could be heard on the line and I said "God bless you David". David laughed and said "Umm, that wasn't me" An image of my uncle sitting on his bed listening to our phone conversation, raced into my mind. I could just see him sitting there laughing at all of this, and I had to admit he was pretty clever besides the fact that he forgot to mute himself. "David, I have to go...Maybe we can talk another time" I said quickly and without even giving him a chance to respond I hung up the phone and darted towards the stairs. 

As soon as I made it up the stairs I saw my uncle coming down the stairs from the third floor, almost as if he were rushing. I walked over towards the Television and looked at him, he said nothing. "Really?" Was the only thing I said while throwing my hands up in the air, he still didn't say anything and he stood there acting as if he were clueless. "You were listening in on my conversation with David!" I cried out. 

"I'm getting ready for work, I was checking up on Adrianne...I was going to call her until I realized you were using the phone and yes I DID listen to you guys for a little bit, I just wanted to make sure he wasn't over stepping his boundaries and besides...The last thing I want to do is listen to two teenagers talk to each other on the phone like little puppies" He cringed while saying that. I laughed to myself I mean honestly, I don't think he ever listened to himself when he was on the phone with Adrianne, he sounded more like a puppy than me. 

"Okay, wait a second...Have you EVER heard yourself when you talk to Adrianne?" I asked him and he laughed a little. "You're sooo beautiful" "I think you're a wonderful person, I don't care what anyone else thinks of you" "I'll do anything for you" I mocked him, with my dainty voice and wide eyes, trying to sound as sappy and strung as possible. I laughed and then got back to the point. "Anyways, I was calling him to thank him for everything..Oh yeah, I got the $800 from that competition...I'm sorry it's not 1000 but it's closer than 0" I said looking down at the ground a little shamefully. 

He rolled his eyes at me and sighed. "Oh no! I told you don't worry about that money...I already sent your grandmother a check for that silly little mirror...Have fun with it, or better yet open up a bank account and save it" He sighed and looked love struck, he looked out into the open mirror behind me, clearly day dreaming and I laughed and just simply said "Adrianne?" and he looked at me pitifully "What? She makes me nervous, sometimes...I really don't want to mess things up with her...Please don't be late tonight, she's bringing her daughter and she's around your age maybe you guys will hit it off or something"

I smiled and said "Of course, just relax...I will be back home BEFORE you expect me to be home, relax" I told him and he honestly needed to do that. In case you're wondering, Adrianne is the woman he was talking to at the competition. To make a long weeks worth of a story shorter , I can just simply say that they talked on the phone nearly every freaking night and he finally mustered up the courage to invite her over for dinner and she was coming over tonight, the only problem was the fact that she was bringing her daughter along. The last thing I wanted to do was sit there and entertain her daughter even if she was my age and attended the same school as me, I just wasn't the social kind of person. 

"You're right, I have nothing to lose and nothing to worry about" He said to me while turning his frown upside down. "I hope everything goes well when you go over to the house today" He said before he paused for a moment and I didn't say anything. "If you need me I'm only a text away" He said reassuringly and it made me feel a little better but not exactly at ease about the fact that I was going back to my house, my home. I knew it would be bad to back out but I promised my sister I would stop by and see her today, so I couldn't go back on my word and besides it wasn't like I would be there forever, I was just visiting.  I just feared my mother, I didn't want to see her at all. She probably didn't want to see me anyways and besides, she barely ever was home so why would she be home today? 

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Desperation was surging in all throughout my entire being, I needed a distraction. I needed a quick moment to just stall for a few minutes so I stopped my bike at David's house since I saw him sitting outside and I figured why the hell not.  Chi-Chi came running out from the spot she was sitting in, I guess David's parents let him keep her after all. 

"Oh no, please don't tell me you're sitting here day dreaming about your car" I said sarcastically as I stood there in his yard watching him sit on the ground looking at the back of his car, just smiling somewhat deviously. 

I walked over towards David and he turned around to look at me and he smiled and waved me over, trying to get me to walk faster. I stood next to him while he was on the ground in his socks looking baffled, in a good way if that even makes any sense. "Look at my masterpiece" he said slowly while lifting his arms out towards the license plate on his car. "I'm sorry- I don't follow" I told him, confusingly. David looked back at me with his eyes wide, as if I were missing something obvious. "For starters, I got a new color, it's a darker red...You couldn't tell?" He asked me and I shook my head, it was pretty hard to tell the difference. If he wanted people to notice a difference in his car he should've just painted it an entirely different color like blue or something. "The best part is the license plate...You and I can't see it, no one can see anything BUT I  got this spray off the internet and it deflect the light from cameras soooooo NOW I can finally stop getting all those fucking red light camera tickets" He said while standing up to face me. 

Just then Chi-Chi came  over towards us and started barking and jumping up trying to reach David, she really was a cute dog. David started patting his lap and making faces at her and he said "Aww, are you happy for me?" Chi- Chi barked some more and David laughed and smiled, he was truly delighted in her. Chi- Chi turned around and started running around the yard and David looked up at me, and gave me a smile.

He was truly funny sometimes, he was a very stubborn person and he didn't even realize it. I smiled  back at him with a witty expression. "You do know that is illegal, right?"  I asked him, knowing damn well that he probably knew it was but he just didn't give a damn either way. 

David laughed so hard I swear he was about to cry. "Of course I know it's illegal but do you honestly think they're going to waste their time trying to track me down because I 'fixed' my license plates?" He had a point, they probably wouldn't give a shit as long as there was still a good amount of people who haven't caught on to this little trick. David continued "And besides if they want to come find me, let them...Finding a good lawyer isn't exactly a challenge for me" I rolled my eyes at his comment, he was so spoiled. 

Smiling like a kid with a lollipop David asked me "So, why did you just stop by so suddenly and uninvited?" I guess now you know the feeling, I thought to myself.

I smirked and tilted my head upward a little bit. "Oh please! I'm definitely no where near as bad as you and your random visits" I shouted scornfully before I started mocking him, as if I knew his thoughts. "Oh yeah look at me I'm David and I think it's a great idea to just show up at someone's house in the middle of the night UN-ANNOUNCED" I must admit I sounded like a little brat but it was pretty damn funny. 

Not wanting to get too 'sassy' I shift the gears and think of how I can come up with a good excuse for why I'm here and then it comes to me. "Well you know, I was going to see Jess and figured since I was passing your house I might as well just stop by and talk to you about what you wanted to ask me on the phone before I hung up" 

"Well, I had this great idea and was wondering if maybe you would want to start a band- uh, with me and uhhhh, some people- That I don't have yet BUT we can find some people" Oh fuck no. Was he crazy or just on drugs, I looked down at him, standing there in his socks and figured he might just be on drugs after all. This was too much to take in, we were like Tom and Jerry, always fighting with each other, how the hell could we be in a band together. 

David suddenly started frowning, and I thought he was doing that because he knew I was probably doing to say no, but nope I was wrong. "Wait a minute- you're going to see Jess...You better hurry up, she's going somewhere with that college guy in like 40 minutes- or at least that's what she told me" He said to me and I was dumbfounded. What college guy? 

"My sister is NOT hanging out with some guy in college- I think you're confusing her with someone else" I said to him blankly, still somewhat in shock. She begged me to come see her, there was no way she would blow me off for some guy, even if he is in college. 

He laughed at me and looked at me like I was a naive little girl, he was being patronizing without even realizing it. His eyes were so interrogating at times, like 2 blue bullets just aimed right at you. "Ohh please, Cris told me...He tells me everything and he's royally pissed off with her. I can't believe she didn't tell you" He said and it got me thinking. Just what exactly did he mean when he said everything. For all I knew him and Cris could've been sitting around looking at that photo, the thought of that just utterly disgusted me and I wanted to ask him if he knew anything about it but I didn't want to even go there with him. No one uttered a word about my sister or her breasts so it was pretty safe to say that Cris didn't send the pictures to anyone, well at least not yet. "Anyways, just think about it okay..You don't have to give me an answer today, or tomorrow or this week or next week just THINK ABOUT IT...Okay?" David said to me and then I realized I had did it again, I stood there caught up in my thoughts and didn't even realize he was talking to me. "You really should get going now" He said while laughing and I nodded my head in agreement, like some kind of robot. "Yeah, I'll think about it I guess...See ya" I said before picking up my bike and cycling out of there. 

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Screeeeeeech. I hit the brakes and the tires on my bike come to a stop. I kick my leg off the bike and rush the bike up the front yard. I didn't want to be here yet I was dying to be here at the same time. I had to know what the hell David was talking about. 

I walked into the house that was empty as always, no surprise there. I began wondering if anyone was even home but I walked straight up to my sisters bed room and found her walking around her room, pacing back and forth. There was no way she was nervous, she always felt confident, she knew she had nothing to worry about. "Oh! Dammit Melody you almost made me have a heart attack right now!" She squealed once she saw me standing in the room. 

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you but I'm just nervous being in here, being home you know?" I said to her and she didn't say anything back. "You know...You look pretty dressed up, you're even wearing a jacket- are you going somewhere...David said you were like, going somewhere with some college guy...I thought we were going to hang out today" I said looking at her peculiarly. She really was standing me up, what a bitch. 

She looked at me like she was angry when I was only telling what I heard. "Ugh! Tell David to stop listening to Cris! I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just friends with this guy and so what if he's in college...He's nice and we're just going to see a live Christmas carol, I hate how Cris is just acting like a little bitch and assuming things" She scoffed while rolling her eyes at me. 

A Christmas carol? I frowned. First of all, it was only the beginning of October, second of all Jess hated holiday festivities so why the hell would she want to go see a Christmas carol? "Jess, come on just be honest you don't even like the holidays...It's obvious you're only going because the guy is in college and you probably like him and I don't exactly like Cris but if I were him I would be 'bitching' too...I mean seriously you're practically cheating on him and who the hell is this guy and how come you didn't tell me?"  I said stunned. 

"THAT!" She bellowed out to me. "That's exactly fucking why I didn't tell you! Everyone's assuming that I want to fuck this guy or something. WE'RE JUST FRIENDS and his name is Collin, the guy we met the night of the competition-" I couldn't believe her, was she stupid or just well, stupid. 

I couldn't even let her finish her sentence because she was being so stupid. "So you blow me off for him? Not even that I really care about that but seriously USE YOUR BRAIN! What do you think he wants from you? You're still in highschool- he's in college! FUCKING COLLEGE! All he wants is a quick hoo-rah and then guess what you're going to be done with!" I shrieked with excitement, I was so on edge. I just wanted her to wake up and smell the coffee, I didn't want to offend her but she was acting stupid. 

Jessica looked at me like she wanted me to leave and I was pretty sure she did but she didn't say that, instead she went off on a rant. "You see! This is why I barely tell you anything- you're judging me over something you don't even know! I don't like him that way! I have a boyfriend and I don't need you to remind me of that okay..." She let the silence surround us and she looked up at me with her eyes wide. "Please just don't assume that I want to jump in bed with him- NO! Don't EVER assume that I will just jump in bed with ANYONE because I wouldn't do that. I just want to meet people, and experience different things.. Yeah, I've never been into the holidays but maybe I'm changing...Maybe I feel different about some things in life, maybe my life is changing, maybe your life is changing, maybe OUR life is changing...Mom's not even the same anymore okay! She's changing...She's so clingy and she doesn't want me to leave her and dad is-" She put her hands on her head and then threw her arms out in front of her "Shit! Look I just want to experience different things, I'm going to see this Christmas carol and you know what maybe I won't like it and maybe Collin will turn out to be the total creep you say he is but if that doesn't happen I'm not going to just stop talking to him because of what other people think so-" 

What the hell was wrong with me? Yeah, I didn't have to agree with all the things my sister did but I definitely didn't need to scrutinize her like that. Maybe I was wrong, maybe she would be happy and I would be wrong but maybe I was right and maybe she would end up heartbroken. No matter whether I was wrong or right, she would always need someone to turn to, someone to cry to, someone to hold.  That person was me, we were sisters and I needed to just shut up no matter how much I disagreed with her, I stated my opinion and that was all that was needed whether she agreed or not. I felt bad and I said "Come here" and wrapped my arms around her. "I'm sorry" I said as I burried my head into her neck. "It's okay...I'm sorry too, I didn't have to go off on you like that- sometimes I just feel so different these days...I don't know what's what anymore" My sister said that and some strange feeling crept inside of me. I felt like this would be the first of many times to come where I would be holding my sister and actually being there for her for once, it was different but it felt good. 

My sister and I talked for a few more minutes and then she had to leave to go meet up with Collin. She apologized to me numerous amounts of times and I did the same, she said she didn't want me to feel like she was standing me up and promised me we would spend more time together some other time. I was walking down the stairs to leave, when I nearly bumped into someone, my mom. Her arms were wide open, her heart was open, and her eyes seemed to be full of sorrow and sincerity and she was coming closer to me and I just backed up from her. "Sweetie, please come here" Damn. Jess sure was right, mom was different. Her luscious blonde hair that she always bragged about was now slashed shorter and the color of a chestnut. 

My mother was stumbling all over her words and I could see her shaking. "I- I-I'm sorry. Word's can't even explain how sorry I am" Guilt was standing between us , not just from her but from me also. I felt guilty, so so guilty for leaving her, it just felt wrong even though I was happier now. "I think we should sit down and talk- I-I'm so-I'm so glad you're hear... come on let's go sit down and talk and I can make your favorite dish with those garbanzo beans you love and we ca-" 

I let out a breath of sadness and looked down at the ground, I couldn't even face her. I knew she felt like shit and I didn't want her to feel that way but I couldn't be here. I had to go. Adrianne was coming over and pretty soon it would start getting dark outside, my uncle wanted me home, he needed me and I couldn't let him down. "Mom, I really have to go- this isn't -this just isn't a good time right now okay" I told her, still avoiding eye contact with her. I don't know why but I just felt so ashamed and guilty even though I really had no reason to be. 

She probably didn't believe me but I could hear her breathing stifle a little and she shrugged. "It's okay...I understand just promise me you forgive me, just please take this weight off my shoulders...Free me from my demons, I can't eat, I can't sleep, sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe, I miss you honey I really do and I never wanted you to feel unwanted...Just please-please forgive me" I looked at my mom and she looked like she was about to cry, I looked off into the distance and away from her and walked straight through the door not saying a word, not even looking her in the eye. The way I felt was just overwhelming and I couldn't stay there any longer. To be completely honest, I wasn't even sure what forgiveness was I had no idea what it even felt like to forgive someone, to really honestly forgive them. And I didn't utter to say anything for that very reason, I didn't want to make a promise that I couldn't keep.

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It was the highlight of the night, or at least it was for my uncle. He was all giddy and jittery at the same time and Adrianne was standing in our dining room near the table I had helped my uncle set up and she just kept standing there saying a bunch of acclamations. "Who would've known that a man could be so organized" she said and I honestly wanted to roll my eyes, not because I didn't like her because to be quite honest I barely knew her. I was just in a very shitty mood and felt like I had alot on my mind. "maybe my life is changing, maybe your life is changing, maybe OUR life is changing...Mom's not even the same anymore okay! She's changing...She's so clingy and she doesn't want me to leave her and dad is-" My sisters words repeated in my head right then and there. What did she mean? "Melly could you please get the door, it's her daughter" My uncle said to me and I did as he said, like a robot. I had no energy for this, I was glad to be away from Adrianne though, at least I could stop faking a smile for at least 2 minutes or so. 

I was so done with this day and it hadn't even ended yet. I walked down to the living room and was facing the last person I would even want to be around right now. This was her daughter? Oh God someone just come and save me now, please. My eyes were wide and every hair on my body stood up, fuck this day. I unlocked the door, shot her a spiteful glare and said "The door is open" and began walking away from the door.

I turned my head back around since I didn't hear her open the door and glared at her again. She was standing there looking unnerved, holding her hands together and I didn't know why. I wasn't turning back around to open the door for her, and eventually she got the hint and walked in, opening the door herself. 

The dinner was interesting, Allyson was sitting in the chair like she had absolutely no respect for anyone and her boot was rubbing up against my knee cap ever so often the entire time we sat there because she was just a cynical bitch like that and she enjoyed watching me get annoyed. My uncle and Adrianne kept looking at each other intently, and they shot each other some flirty glances practically the entire night. My uncle was very tense though and it showed, God damn, I really wanted to just shake him and make him get a grip, he had this in the bag so I don't know why he was being so nervous. 

 "Anyways, just think about it okay..You don't have to give me an answer today, or tomorrow or this week or next week just THINK ABOUT IT...Okay?" Think about it, I sure had alot to think about. "Yeah, I've never been into the holidays but maybe I'm changing..." There were so many voices in my head and I didn't even realize Adrianne had asked me "So Melody, what are you interested in" Twiddle-dee, twiddle-dum. My index finger was moving up and down, I probably looked like a robot to her. "Music, reading, you know that kind of stuff" was all that I managed to mutter out and I looked down at my plate, I was hungry but I couldn't bring myself to eat especially around them. 

My uncle asked Allyson a bunch of questions and I pretty much drowned out her annoying deep voice but one thing stuck with me and made me tune in to all of the weird shit she was saying. "I'm interested in death, you know deep, dark, scary things that will make a person shiver and wish they hadn't been exposed to something, I'm all about mystery, I want to know all of the biggest secrets there is in life...Like death, man's greatest mystery and biggest fear" I felt the hair on my arm stand up as she said that, this girl was a fucking weirdo and there was no way in hell I was going to let my uncle date her mother, there was just absolutely no fucking way I was going to allow it. I was willing to do anything and everything in my power to prevent them from even going further in their relationship or friendship or whatever it was. 

My uncle's only response to her was "Oh really now that's quite interesting, I'm intrigued" and to be honest he probably wasn't lying. He was a very accepting person and he tried to understand others. I wish he could see how completely odd she was, but he probably was just so caught up in Adrianne to even notice how strange Allyson was.

"Allyson!" Adrianne hollered out, outraged and gasping. "I told you not to say that kind of stuff!" Her eyes narrowed down at Allyson, as if her eyes had the ability to push Allyson straight into the corner of the room. "I'm sorry please, ignore what she said" Adrianne said but of course my uncle was too in love to even care, brushing it off like he hadn't heard anything.

Allyson was completely blunt and uncensored, I was beginning to wonder if she was only acting like this because she didn't want to be here or maybe she really was that open and rude. "Where's the bathroom? I need to take a piss" Way to be classy, I thought to myself. My uncle told her where the bathroom was, he told her where my bathroom was and if that wasn't any better he pretty much volunteered for me and told her I would show her where it is.

I showed her where the bathroom was but I didn't go back upstairs, I stayed there with my arms crossed and my back against the wall. There was no way I was letting her just go into my bathroom, what if she stole something?  Thud! Frowning, I shifted my weight even deeper into the wall, what she was doing something in there, going through my stuff? I could've sworn I heard a faint sniffling but she couldn't have really been crying, was she? She was way too rough to be crying, what if it was worse- what if she was doing drugs in my bathroom. I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach at that thought, what a low life. 

Suddenly the door opened and I jumped, I didn't even hear her unlock the door or anything. She caught me dead on the spot. "What the fuck!" She whispered semi-loudly. "Were you- were you- You WERE weren't you?!?!?!" She laughed and continued on "You're a freak you know that? Who in their right mind listens to someone in the bathroom...I'll tell you who...You, you little twerp" Great, good one Melody. I looked away from her, extremely embarrassed "Look, I barely know you and I didn't want you going through my stuff or something and I heard you sniffling and I don't know...I thought you were doing drug-" 

"Drugs!" She whispered even louder. Her lips drowned in sorrow and any little glint of happiness had left her face completely. "Look, I really don't want to be here. It's bad enough that my mom forced me to take my piercings out and dress somewhat modestly. I feel sick okay, could you please give me some Advil or something-anything?" I shut up and didn't even bother to protest, I got her some medicine and we sat there at the dinner table for the rest of the night, it wasn't enjoyable but we got through it. We looked like a family sitting there, it gave me a strange feeling inside and some sort of vision of the future, and the future didn't seem that far away.  It was that moment, no let me re-phrase that. It was that day that I realized my sister was right, things really were changing and I wasn't sure if it was for better or worse.