Chapter 22: Secrets 

Well, I didn't feel like writing about another family dinner even though it is Thanksgiving... So I wrote this instead. My mom actually read some of this, when I was writing about the kiss *blush* But she doesn't really care lol. Happy Thanksgiving.

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"Did you come over for more?" I asked John, eyeing him up and down seductively but he wasn't exchanging the same look with me, he seemed tense.  I could ease his tensions, I knew what he wanted. I dropped my robe to the floor but instead he lowered his head and and sighed, he insisted on talking. "We need to talk" He said while leaning against the door frame as if he would bust through the door if I didn't let him in any second now. He was dressed up pretty damn nice this time, he looked like he was about to handle some business and I liked it. It was like he was trying to be serious, I did the same to him talking low and slow, trying to be seductive. "You know, you're right we do need to talk- we can't keep doing this....You do know that right?" He looked at me after I said that, and he bit his bottom lip. "I said we need to talk, I'm not here for that"  The cold wind was creeping in from the door and it was giving me chills. 

I let him in and as soon as he shut the door behind him I rushed up to him, hugging onto him but he wasn't hugging me back. "Oh! I missed you so much, I wasn't sure how much longer I could go without yo-" He cleared his throat and tried pushing me away from him. "Wha-whats wrong?" I asked him like a child, asking their parent what they did wrong. He looked over at me "You smell like alcohol...Where the hell is our daughter?" Was he serious right now? This had been the best month for us, it was our little secret no one else knew. This entire month was filled with spontaneous sex and many, many great nights, I wasn't ready to let this go. I was never ready to let him go even though he technically had moved on. "Did you even cook? Look at you- you're a joke" He said while peering into the kitchen and then looking at me. "Never mind that- I'm going to ask you one more time where- is our daughter?" He said while pointing to the middle of nowhere, as if that would make me scared. The tension grew tighter in the room like a rope being pulled in tug of war. "How should I know? She went out with that guy again, you know that!" I yelped, getting frustrated and I looked up at him and sighed, I didn't want to talk about anything.  I wanted him badly, I needed him kissing me and exploring my body  even if he didn't want me anymore, it still felt good to feel loved. "No! You see that's why we're not together anymore- you're irresponsible" 

Who the hell was he calling irresponsible? He was the one that got a 19 year old pregnant and he was nearly 40, he was barely there for our kids anyways so why did he give a damn now. "You're immature! You're 38 yet you act like you've never heard of a condom!" I shrieked. "This isn't about me!" He bellowed. "This is about our daughters- you're becoming an alcoholic...Look at you you're a mess, you can't even cook dinner for them and it's THANKSGIVING...What kind of mother are you?" He added on, which only made the fire bigger and much brighter. "Fuck you! I am a good mother! At least I'm still being a factor in one of our daughters lives and you never tried to be..At least I'm stepping up now but what are you doing? You're raising a child with a 19 year old whore and you abandoned your own fucking family for that TRASH! And I'm not an alcoholic just because I like to relax and have a few shots at the end of the day!" He got closer to me putting his fingers in my face, getting all defensive and I did the same. "You fucked up our family and now you're about to fuck up your new one...You come over here almost every weekend for what? To have sex with me!" John got in my face, looking at me like I was a stranger to him. "Yeah, I came over here to have sex with you- you're pathetic...You let me use you however I please but I don't want you anymore...You're disgusting. I came here to tell you that whatever this is...It's over. I have a new life now, a new woman to care for and I'm signing the papers so get ready"  A new life? It was ironic how he was so excited to start his new life yet he kept coming back over here the entire month just to see me. "You're pathetic! You come over here to see ME instead of our daughters! She can't love you like I do, John. She can't make you come back for more-sh-she can't even please you! If she was, you wouldn't be over here every night! You still love me John-admit it! I still make you weak..." I cried out to him, wanting him to reciprocate but instead he just stood there like a mime. 

"Say something John!" I screeched, between my teeth that were now practically grinding against each other. My eyes were warm and tears ran down my cheek. I was tired of begging him, so tired. Why was I even trying anymore? "Fine! Don't say anything- that's all you're good for: Being a bitch and running away from your problems! You're not even a real man...You can't even last longer than 15 minutes in bed- I should be the one complaining! Go run away like you always do-you  can't handle a real woman like me..That's why you chased your way up some little girls skirt. GO JOHN! LEAVE! SIGN THE PAPERS AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!" He didn't even hesitate, he didn't try to fight for me, for us. He just walked out the door without even saying a word. Why did I waste 19 years of my life with this scumbag? I knew I should've left, I knew things wouldn't work out but I still stayed and now I was the one he was leaving, it should've been the other way around. 

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"So are you excited?" David asked me, and I knew what he was talking about. He thought that just because I liked learning things and reading books I was excited to go back to school tomorrow, my 3 weeks were up and my doctor had cleared me.But was there even a reason to be excited for anything anymore?  Here I was , sitting on the grass in the middle of the woods with David and it was Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful for little things like family and friends yet I felt like I wasn't thankful for anything. "Are you still mad?" He questioned me yet again, trying to get me to talk more. David came over that evening after we finished eating. We were just playing song after song down in the basement and Adrianne had told us to stop playing, claiming she had a bad migraine. David was dressed up, his parents made him and so was I, Adrianne liked having us dress up on special occasions and quite frankly I found it annoying. Either way I took my piercing out, just to show her some respect. Adrianne liked for me and Allyson to match, and she thought this shirt was absolutely lovely. I guess she didn't realize that I barely had anything to keep the shirt up, Allyson on the other hand- did. I kept re-adjusting this God damn tube top the whole day. Everything was just different, it was like I wasn't in control of my own life anymore and I guess that's kind of true. The wind picked up speed and started blowing fiercely in our direction, I shivered and David moved closer to me. He put his hands on both of my shoulders, rubbing my shoulders trying to make me feel warmer. I looked at him and then back at the grass but I knew he was still looking at me.  "I'm not mad-And I'm not excited-I'm just really confused...Very confused" I said, feeling somewhat taken back by the fact that I felt so comfortable talking to him, most of the time we always talked about him or other things we were interested in, I never really talked about myself or my problems. 

He heaved a great sigh while waiting for me to look at him but I still didn't bother to look at him, he was so intimidating but I felt like he trusted me although I didn't exactly trust him. "Well, life can become blurry like fog on a dusty,windy road but as long as you keep going the fog will clear up eventually and you will see the light-the purpose of it all...You know?"  I laughed derisively at his little analogy. "So what you're telling me is that there's a purpose for my dad getting a 19 year old pregnant and completely abandoning me and my sister to start a brand new life with her? Gee! I sure can't wait to see what the purpose for that was" David grew silent, not saying a word and I regretted saying that. What was wrong with me these days, sometimes I felt like a completely different person. "Wow Mel, I'm so sorr-" What was with people and that God damn phrase? I didn't let him speak any further "David don't say you're sorry, it just doesn't make any sense. Why would you be sorry? You didn't make my father have an affair, so why are you sorry? I hate when people say that especially when people pass away- the person didn't cause your loved one to die so why do you say sorry...It just doesn't make sense to me. Look, I don't need you to feel sorry for me David...If anyone should be sorry it should be my father" I held my legs into my chest, rested my head on my knee caps and looked away from David. "I don't even care about anything anymore" 

The wild winds rushed by once again almost making every tree move further from eachother. David got closer to me as if he wasn't already close enough, rubbing my back timorously as if he was scared of what I might do. "Don't say that, you don't mean that" I shook my head against my knees "But I DO mean it...Everything is different, everyone is different, I'm just done caring. I feel like no one cares about me anymore...They're all too busy with their own lives" David laughed and I wanted to elbow him in the stomach. "Don't be silly, princess- I care about you" Warmness was the only thing I felt inside when he said that, yet I replied so coldly to him. "Oh, please quit fucking around" We both sat there in the stillness that surrounded us, which made me want to look up and see the look on his face, he was too quiet. For all I knew he could've been sitting there giving me the middle finger right behind my back. "Look at me" He said in a grim tone of voice which made my heart jump, he was being stern with me like he was expecting me to look at him. "No" I retorted while pressing my face up against my knees even harder as some sort of defense mechanism. "Why must you be so difficult?" He asked me and he continued, "You know I can always just get up and sit on the other side of you-forcing you to look at me" 

Suddenly a lightning bolt with 10,000 volts of electricity struck my heart, making me move. I lifted my head and turned to face him, dead on looking deep into his ocean blue eyes. "WHAT?" I screeched and that only made him smile, with that smug look he always seemed to have on his face. "Why do you insist on annoying me?" I questioned him and he rolled his eyes at me, sighing profoundly. "BECAUSE of what I just said to you" There was a moment of silence. Was he waiting for me to say something, I had nothing to say to his absurd statement. "I care about you, sassy-pants" I started to turn away from him after he said that but he quickly reached out his hand, stroking the side of my face with his cold hand which was now getting warm from the mini stove burners that were on top of my cheeks. He turned his hand around and now his palm was touching the side of my face, his thumb was grazing against my cheeks only making them hotter, I was surprised his fingers weren't scorching by now. "What- what are you doing?" I said slowly but he sat there remaining inert, with his hand still on my cheek looking deep into my eyes, looking right through me. My leg's wanted to move, they wanted to get up and just run away from here but I couldn't. There was something there- something that made me remain still and just go with the moment, I felt like I couldn't just turn away. 

I could tell that he was reading me and I was reading him as well. He moved in closer, and so did I. We both were smiling at this point and I felt the wind picking up speed, blowing up against my back and all around us. The wind was like a subliminal catalyst because in that moment our lips crashed and I wasn't sure who kissed who first. I could feel his hand tremble a little as he still kept it against my cheek, almost pulling my face in closer to his even though they were already touching. His tongue traced all the way across my bottom lip as if he were licking an envelope. David was very unpredictable and when he placed his other hand on the lower part of my back it made me jump a little and I gasped which only made it easier for him to get what he wanted. My lips parted as I gasped and he slid his tongue into my mouth slowly and eventually my tongue met his. David was practically making his own prelude, groaning here and there. I relaxed a little once I realized he was only keeping his hand on my back, and not trying to do anything else and then that was when I really got into it. It was like a ballet show going on in our mouths, delicate and intense at the same time.  There was a rhythm, a graceful one and our tongues twirled around each others like an elegant ballerina does on stage. The excitement, oh the excitement- there was alot of excitement and it just kept you at the edge of your seat like a ballerina would do to the audience. When he got slower, I did too and when he got faster I did the same, trying to keep up. Although, I had to sit back just like the audience in awe, a few times. I moaned, knowing I couldn't keep up, it was like he was making my tongue faint, in my mouth. It wasn't long before my tongue had awoken and sprung right back into the action. My fingers were clenching on to my boots, my fingers were practically mini daggers, puncturing holes into them. Rise and fall, raise and fall. Jump and release, jump and release. We were playing cat and mouse-he teased me and I teased him back, our tongues were roughly and spasmodically  playing tag. I wanted more, and more, I wanted to know what was next, I had to know what was next.

But then, it was all over everything, all over and finished. That fast pace that was there had slowed down and now the ballerina had walked off the stage, finishing her dramatic performance. David stopped kissing me, and was looking up at me slowly like he was looking for some sort of signal. I knew I looked like a deer in headlights, everything happened so quickly and now I was just wondering why he had stopped. David's head moved sort of like a balloon being released into the sky, and serenely floating up into the middle of no where, getting closer and closer to it's fate of ultimately imploding. However, that wasn't the case for us. I could feel David breathing on my neck for what felt like the longest time, until he actually put his lips against my neck. The warmth of his breath was making me mad, he had a real way of being suspenseful and exciting, making me want more of him-either that or he was actually hesitating. Suddenly, like a kitten jumping from a counter and onto the floor, my eyes shot wide open. David was running his warm tongue along the side of my neck, and sucking ever so gently on it. My jaw dropped, it was like I wasn't in control of my body anymore. I tried closing my mouth but, I was hopeless. My lips parted again, it was like an instinct, and I couldn't restrict it. I rested my head up against the hard and rough tree trunk we had been leaning against, my eyes nearly rolled to the back of my head and suddenly and swiftly, a soft moan eluded from between my delicate lips. It felt like I was being tickled, but not exactly because, tickling made you laugh, but this-whatever it was, made you want to keep going further. David's hands were creeping up, centimeter by centimeter and now his finger tips were gracing my my bellybutton, right through my skimpy shirt. I looked up, the moon was illuminating so brightly and the stars were all perfectly in line with the universe, I could've sworn I saw one of the stars move across the sky- a shooting star. If wishes were real I wished this moment would last forever, I mean sure it was sort of wrong but God dammit, wrong felt so right. They say comets are cold, hard, dusty balls of ice and I was beginning to believe that was exactly what that 'shooting star' was because David's phone vibrated in his pocket. Once David looked at his phone that was when everything faded away and sort of vanished into the dark sky above us.