Chapter 21: New Beginnings

Sorry there's a lot of writing more so than pictures in this chapter...I tried something different and obviously I won't be doing that again...I always have too much pictures or too much writing *Sigh* anyways, this is pretty much the turning point in the story....Now I can have fun with it :)

Black and gold, beige and white. Those were the only colors that could be seen in sight. How was it that something considered to be so wrong seemed so right? November 3rd, the wind was blowing a crisp cool breeze and the fragrance of love and Autumn were all around. Red and orange leaves were dropping to the ground, ultimately preparing for a new season in the future.The crisp leaves left that earthy smell in the air and everything just felt, fresh and new. I watched my uncle and my soon to be aunt, Adrianne. There they stood, standing around looking at the altar making sure everything was in the correct place and looked presentable. I know you're probably thinking what the hell. Why is the groom looking at his soon to be bride? OR : It's only been a month and they're already getting married?!? I was surprised myself but they weren't traditional at all. They didn't believe in superstition. The only thing they really believed in was love, and that was the reason why we were all gathering here today, they didn't care if others thought it was too soon. They wanted to seal the deal right here, right now, today. I watched as their lips met and they pulled away from each other smiling into the others eyes and resting their head on each others shoulders. I smiled too, happy for them. 

I left them to be alone with each other and walked into the living room fluidly. Yup that's right, we were having the wedding right here at home considering the fact that no one from Adrianne's family was coming and most of the people in our own family were too far out of reach and didn't exactly really want to be here in the first place. Adrianne wanted a small wedding, and considering the fact that things moved so fast between them they really didn't want to wait around and plan things out and make reservations. My sister was sitting on the couch with Collin, practically snuggling with him. His arm was resting gently on her back, rubbing her spine up and down and her face was filled with a bubbly expression, clearly showing she was thrilled. Collin lowered his eyes at her and he peered at her in a menacing way, which only made her eyes grow larger and she gasped. "COLLIN! Stop you know that tickles-" Eric sure would've been pissed if he saw that but, Jessica still kept stringing him along, he knew it, she knew it, I knew it, everybody knew it. But, no one understood why she continued to string him along especially since she made it blatantly obvious that she didn't really want to be with Eric anymore hell, she didn't even invite him to the wedding. It was crystal clear, she didn't want him anymore. 

"Where's mom and-"Jessica immediately leaped up from the couch once she heard my voice. I wasn't sure if she was so mesmerized by Collin that she didn't notice me or if she simply couldn't take his tickling anymore. "Mom is in a bad mood so she's hiding out in the car until the wedding officially starts and grandma- well you know how our grandmother is" I rolled my eyes, why couldn't they just fucking get over it, they always got so upset when things didn't go my mother's way. "She's in the car with mom, cheering her up and things like that" She finally finished her sentence and I nodded in agreement. I caught Collin gazing at me almost as if I were an object he was going to paint, I knew that look way too well, he was studying and I was the subject. It left me feeling pretty unnerved, I glared at him hoping he would get the hint but he still didn't stop staring at me. "I-I guess I'll go upstairs and check on Allyson" Jessica sat back down on the couch and looked over at Collin like a child who looks up to their idol, it was as if I hadn't even said a word because she didn't even respond to me she just gave me a semi-nod. 

Going upstairs to check on Allyson was a joke all within itself. It had been a whole month that we had to deal with each other yet Allyson still didn't like me. We  practically were roommates this whole month because Adrianne was always over here and sometimes she spent the night. I wondered what she was doing up in her room. She probably was sitting there in the mirror, crying and whining about how Adrianne was making her take her piercings out for the wedding, as usual. Adrianne and Allyson, didn't necessarily have the mother-daughter relationship that someone would expect them to have, it was complicated- very complicated.  After today everything would be official. Adrianne would technically be my aunt,and  Allyson would technically be my cousin and it felt odd. Everything, and everyone in my life was changing, some for better and some for worse. I pulled out my phone checking for any text messages, there were no new messages but I could still see the numerous amounts of texts from people that were responding to that dumb video I cried about a month ago, I had no reason to cry because for the most part everyone surprisingly liked it. Once I got over the little negative comments, I was really able to see the bigger picture, I was admired in a way and almost respected. I looked over to the corner of my contacts, Jessica. I really needed to update her photo because, she definitely was no longer blonde. Appearantly, her new hazel colored strands of hair made her seem 'smarter' according to who? Collin. I really didn't agree with her conforming to a guys opinion but I didn't even say anything bad to her I just told her the color looked nice on her, and it did, the only problem was the fact that, it just wasn't her. Ever since she was young she bragged about her naturally, perfect , blonde hair yet now it was hiding under a bunch of false pigments. Vvvvvrrrrinnng! New message from, David: 'I'm here r u guys playing hide and seek? :P' It hadn't even been a nanosecond before he sent me another text that said 'Nvm, just come outside I'm confused' 

It was pretty chilly outside, and the wind nearly slapped me across the face once I opened the door. "I hope your uncle doesn't mind the fact that I parked on the grass, I just saw your mom parked on the grass so I figured it was okay-Am I late? Your mom just walked around the back...Were you guys waiting for me or something?"David asked me and  I looked over my shoulder at the yard, my uncle really needed to get someone to pave a road into our lawn, the tire marks on the grass were becoming quite unsightly. Not to mention the 1990 Dodge Caravan that had just been parked beside our garage this whole month, looking hairy-Thanks to Allyson's friend. That old piece of crap had just been sitting there the whole month, because Allyson didn't have her license yet. I wasn't surprised if that thing was making our property value go down. "Oh- no it's fine, I honestly don't even know who we're waiting for anymore" I replied casually.

"What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong played in the background while we all sat outside waiting and waiting to actually get the ceremony started. Bottles of wine were the only thing at the table and my mother and my grandmother were indulging in it sharing a little clink as they said "Cheers". Allyson was causing a scene, refusing to come down with the rest of us. She kept on saying "I, invited a friend" or "Hold on just a few more minutes-he's coming" and it was getting old, I was starting to think she actually didn't want to be a part of the wedding because she honestly wasn't excited about this- at all. Collin and Jess were sitting beside each other giggling and looking into each others eyes although I swear he glanced over at me a couple of times. Something about him just made me feel strange and I didn't know why. "No-no-no! This wine is sweeter, and more....Hmmm I don't know...Acidic?" My mother asked my grandmother and they both nodded at each other critically as if they were professional wine tasters and to be honest I was losing count of which bottle they were on, glasses were all around their side of the table filled with various wines. Some of the bottles weren't even filled with wine, and I was a little embarrassed that they were being so loose. The tension was emanating from my mother and my grandmother, I looked over at her and smiled faintly but she didn't return the favor instead, she looked at my grandmother and they had their own little conversation, stuck in their own little world filled with alcohol and sorrow. Fuck them, I didn't need them in my life, I thought to myself even though it was not only embarrassing but it was hurtful too. Gosh, what's taking Allyson so long? I swear if she wasn't down here in 5 minutes, I was going inside. 

David took his index finger and flicked it against my shoulder like he was flicking a light switch. I turned to him, about to get snappy with him before he asked me. "Hey, since when did you get a nose piercing? You know that's like a freaking abomination to all man kind!" I laughed at his sarcasm, clearly understanding who we was mocking. Surprisingly, David and I talked alot over that whole course of a month and he told me alot about his parents and everything about him pretty much. We never really saw eachother in person alot though, so I understood why he was kind of confused looking at me right now. "Well, you know I wanted to get my ears pierced but I didn't want to go through pain twice in a row sooooo- I got my nose pierced instead!" It was silly, and I knew it but hey, I had a low tolerance for pain. I really loved my piercing even though I must admit it did look kind of trashy-to some people and on certain occasions it was just totally unacceptable. It was funny because Adrianne always fought with Allyson because of her piercings but my uncle didn't really care about little things like that but Adrianne always said "No- she looks like an alien, she has to take them out" and Allyson always put up a fight, that was a routine argument I had gotten used to hearing between the two of them and it didn't really rouse me anymore. David was laughing at me and then he stopped and just smiled at me which made me feel a little queer. "You look so different now-" He stopped mid sentence and his eyes grew larger while he leaned in somewhat closer to me. "Not in a bad way! But in a good way you know, a really- really good way" My mother looked over at us and I ignored her, smiling back at David and nodding my head. "Thanks...I guess some change is good" 

My hair had grown longer and there were times when I couldn't keep my fingers out of my hair, like now. I sat there with my fingers intertwined in each strand, twirling them around and around.  I swiveled it at the ends and looked down at them , no more split ends. A straightner had become a foreign object to me these days. I had stopped caring for my hair really, besides washing it and doing all of the basics I never really styled it, I was too busy with my life to even care about how it looked but it wasn't until now that I realized how healthy it looked, glimmering and shimmering under the warm, delicate sun. Screeeech the back door swung open. Thank the heavens, Allyson was FINALLY going to come outside so we could get this wedding started. I was just starting to believe there was a God until I looked up and saw Allyson, and Denver standing beside her with his blonde hair catching light in all direction. Of all people, why would she invite him? He was the last person I would even want to see, he still didn't even bother to text me back after I apologized and it had been a month. Fucker. 

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Let's fast forward to the best part of that day, the actual purpose of that day. "You may now kiss the bride" The priest said and Adrianne kissed my uncle, she smiled at him deviously. "We went through this like 1,000 times!" He shouted at her before he laughed. Adrianne gasped just before my uncle's lips crashed into hers and somehow they both giggled between that kiss and everyone was looking at them. Even after the kiss was over they just stood there holding eachother, looking at eachother, his suit was white and gold and her dress was just beige and it almost looked metallic because of all the reflections it was producing. The sun was shining on them which almost made it painful to watch them, her dress was really shining so brightly, like a light bulb. I squinted through the glare and smiled. Suddenly the air felt warmer and the winds were more mellow.

What was a wedding without sappy love songs? I walked up to the altar, next to the pianist that we had hired for this day and she looked at me with that 'Are you ready?' kind of look and I nodded my head signaling for her to begin playing. I was singing L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole, Adrianne had begged me to sing it for the longest time and now I finally was. The ambiance shifted and everything felt different. I was swaying back and forth with my eyes closed, trying to hide how nervous I was. There was a constant phrase ringing in my head like some sort of  mantra: Don't open your eyes, whatever you do, don't open your eyes. And that's what I did the entire 3 minutes, we did everything plain and simple. We didn't have a microphone and we didn't really want one, we wanted everything to be genuine and heartfelt. "Love was made for me and you" I sang as my voice faded out into the atmosphere. I opened my eyes and looked at everyone, they all clapped except my mom and my grandmother- they got up to leave. Even though, I was finished sining Adrianne and Croy were still swaying around, they looked over at us all, Adrianne gave me a wink- I guess that was her way of thanking me. Everyone got up out of their seats to go join them, slow dancing once they said "Come on, you guys we want you to be apart of this too- it's not just all about us" 

Everyone had someone to slow dance with, except for me and David was sitting down in his seat with his hands glued to his phone. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel like he was obligated to dance with me, I went inside to go find my mom. The little bit of a bond that we had was completely broken and I wanted answers. I felt like my sister wasn't telling me everything about what happened between my parents. I heard mumbling coming from upstairs and followed the trail of voices. Once I got up the steps and walked into the room my grandmother looked up at me, shook her head and walked down the stairs "I can't even be in the same room as her"  I could've lost it right then and there and said something back but I rolled my eyes. Black streams of sorrow were flowing down my mother's cheek and there were several new streams beginning to flow. "Mom-What's wrong...Please, would you please just talk to me. Stop shutting me out" I said to her as I got closer to her, I tried to rub her arm but she moved towards me and shook her index finger at me "Don't even" was all that she said and I backed up throwing my hands up in surrender. 

She made a "Hmph!" noise and looked down at me, frowning. I watched her transform into a monster right before my own eyes  and I never felt more fearful for my life than ever before. "What's wrong? Hmmm let's see...Well, your sister is always out- she leaves me by myself so she can go hang out with that guy! My brother...my own fucking BROTHER took my God damn daughter away from me! He made you turn against me! He made you HATE me!" Hearing her say that, made me want to cry, her voice was shaking and her lips trembled. "Mom- I - I don't-" I tried consoling her, I tried to make things better, I tried and tried but she resisted, she made herself feel that way. "Don't you dare say you don't hate me because I know you do, look at your father-you look just like him...It sickens me" Wow, was that really how she felt? "Your dad is running of with that little fucking girl and now he's having a baby with her! It's all your fault! It's all your fucking fault- if you would've never left maybe your father would've stayed" She tilted her head up, clearly trying to stop the tears from falling and she laughed, sarcastically. "What does she have that I don't? I'm 35 and I have my shit together, and she probably still lives with her parents,I'm beautiful and I haven't even gotten a wrinkle yet- WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T? WHAT CAN SHE GIVE HIM THAT I CAN'T?" Her voice cracked and she started sobbing. Her voice was staggering all over the place as she tried to catch her breath and speak normally but it didn't stop the fact that I could still understand her, I under stood every single word she said to me that day. She looked me dead in the eye and I felt like my back was touching a sheet of ice. "I hate you- this is all your fault- I - I hate you" They say you should take a second and think before you speak when you're angry but I couldn't, it just hurt so bad hearing my own mother say that to me. "You know what mom- FUCK. YOU." I laughed sarcastically, right back at her. "You're always looking for someone to blame- you know maybe dad left you because you're always so busy being a fucking bitch-My sister decided to leave you by yourself, NOT ME.  Croy never says anything about you mom- I left because of YOU, you made me leave, you made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be your daughter he has NOTHING to do with that- I saw you that day you slapped dad -I saw you- I SAW YOU! And it is NOT my fault that my dad decided to knock up some 19 year old so don't you EVER blame me for what HE did- He decided to have sex with her, NOT ME. " My face was wet and warm. My dad had disappeared from my life and even though he barely was there half the time, this was permanent and he wasn't coming back. "I hate you- I HATE YOU- I HATE YOU MOM! I HATE YOU- I FUCKING HATE YOU WITH EVERY CELL IN MY BODY. I HATE YOU SO MUC-"  

Thud! Before I knew it things spiraled out of control and into oblivion. There I laid on the floor, with my mouth open and my thoughts flickering in my head like those neon lights when they're about to blow.  I looked around and my mother was no where to be found. My hands trembled as I made an effort to get my feet back on the ground. Everything around me was silent and still yet my heart inside me was the only thing making a sound.

There I stood hunching over the counter breathing all over the place. A warm tear trickled down my cheek and it angered me. Bam! I looked at my now red palms after the pretty hard hit I had made on the counter. I looked down at what was on the counter, a bottle of some kind of fancy alcohol. Don't do it: the good voice in my head said. Oh come on, everyone is outside dancing and having a good time and besides, it's a day of celebration they won't be able to tell who drank the alcohol, after all your mom drank most of it: the bad voice in my head said. I grabbed the bottle and had a hard time getting the thing open. "Fuck" I muttered under my breath but eventually it opened and kind of made a pop sound. Bourbon Whiskey, here I come- the name was fancy yet this stuff tasted like a fireball in my mouth, it was fucking gross but I kept drinking it.

After quite a few sips, I couldn't take it anymore especially since I hadn't ate all day. Putting the bottle down and sighing I remained still just looking down at the bottle and then I started sobbing again. No, stop you have to pull yourself together, I told my self.They probably were wondering where I was, I had to go back down. I turned around and realized I wasn't alone. Denver was standing there by the staircase looking at me, with remorse like he felt bad for standing there watching me. "What the fuck are you looking at?!?!" I yelled out, wanting him to say something to me, I wanted to release my anger, I wanted to make someone else feel bad which was bad to say but God dammit it was the truth. He stood there inert, not saying anything and then he turned around and went back down stairs. 

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It seemed like everyone was waiting for me once I had returned, they were all sitting at the table that was now covered with food and joyful faces instead of alcohol and straight faces. We all sat there eating, like one big family. I felt like I was a little kid on a swing set, it had only been about 20 minutes and my stomach was feeling pretty fucking horrible. "Where's your mother?" Adrianne asked , why did she care? I looked at her in a semi-rude way and everyone noticed that. My uncle was giving me that 'Are you okay?' kind of look and I looked away from him and back at Adrianne. "Don't know" was all I said to her and she didn't dare to ask me another question the rest of the time we ate. Jessica and Collin were still in their little utopia land the whole time kind of like everyone else. David still had his fingers stuck to the screen of his phone and Denver and Allyson were talking about random stuff, I wasn't even paying attention to anyone or anything but I caught Denver glancing over at me ever so often while I ate. Salmon, it was one of my favorite foods even though I was a vegetarian, I still ate fish. A feeling of regret washed over me and pulled me in like a rip tide. Here I was half-drunk at my uncle's wedding - being a bitch to his wife and all he was doing was trying to enjoy his own day, he didn't deserve it.

After everyone finished eating we all made a toast to "New beginnings". My uncle insisted that we all have a glass of wine, even though half of us weren't even 21, besides Collin. He filled the glasses with such a small amount of wine, it was decent but small.  "Here's  to a warm future and never ending years of sweet love" My uncle said and we all raised our glasses so they touched one anothers. Clink clink clink. I drank the wine slowly, it was much more satisfying than the liqour I drank before. "Now, all of you under 21...Don't tell your parents we let you drink wine" Adrianne said teasingly and everyone laughed but Allyson rolled her eyes at her.  Everyone headed back towards the piano and the speakers that were blasting music after we finished eating. I sat at the table by myself and watched as they all danced and were enjoying themselves, even David and he was dancing by himself. David caught me looking at him and I knew I should've looked away before he gave me that look, that face. He was smirking at me and he danced his way over to me and said "Woo! Don't you love these oldies- You do know that these are from a time period where mp3 format didn't exist..Isn't that just freaking awesome?" His sarcasm was way too funny, and I couldn't help my self from giggling no matter how horrible I felt especially since he was doing the running man. David stopped and so did the music, a slow song started playing and I wasn't sure what it was but everyone behind him was dancing close and swaying around. "Come on" He held his hand out to me, trying to get me to get up and dance. "No. I don't want to and besides I don't even know how to slow dance" I objected but David always had an answer for everything. "So what! It's your uncle's freaking wedding- moments like this only come once in a lifetime and you don't want to look back and regret this so GET UP and dance with me...I'll show you how" I looked the other way, David really had no idea how many regrets I had right now. I looked back towards David who still had his hand out waiting for mine to touch his and I looked up at him and gave him an indistinct smile while placing my hand in his and said  "Fine. ONE dance" . 

We walked over towards everyone else dancing and he got closer to me, putting his arm around my waist. I placed my hand in his other hand and he pulled me in a little closer. It wasn't until I looked up at his face that I realized just how close we actually were right then."Keep your hand up and don't pull me in any closer than this!" I squealed and David just simpered and said "Don't worry I won't try to cop a feel that's what I have a girlfriend for" We both laughed and we began dancing. Back and forth, around and around. I fumbled a few times and ended up stepping on his shoes or just totally messed up the flow. "Do the opposite of what I do, If I move back, move up closer to me- Just follow my lead" He said and that was what I did the entire time and I got the hang of it, eventually. We swayed around back and forth fluidly like water spilling all over a table.  I stopped focusing so much on moving correctly and became focused on other things like how it felt like the ground beneath me was shaking. Everything felt so smooth and slow, I felt loose and I couldn't explain it- maybe it was the alcohol. The way David smelled was breathtaking, literally. With every inhale it would just make you want to exhale quickly again so you could inhale again and take in that sweet harmonious smell, it was wondrous and I damn sure was wondering what it was. I began wondering if he could smell the alcohol on my breath, we were pretty close and now I was growing tense. "You know you never gave me an answer to that question I asked you a month ago-" Oh God here we go again, I thought to myself. Ever since that day he asked me he never forgot to bring it up, every now and then, wondering if I had come up with an aswer yet. "I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about" David laughed while raising an eyebrow and he said "Oh really now?" I smiled slyly at him and nodded. David was an unpredictable guy, he spun me around and I felt my heart drop as I realized he was holding me at an angle and at any moment if he dropped me I could fall to the floor, on my head or something. I had only 3 more weeks left of being a half brain dead person and I didn't want to end up back in that same spot again. My fingers were nearly digging into his shoulders as I said "David! What are you doing- Stop trying to be all fancy!" David laughed and looked down at me, taking delight in the terror on my face. He looked at me and nearly whispered "I want an answer" My stomach was already pretty disturbed from the whiskey I drank, and now he was making me have butterflies on top of that. "So what's it going to be?" He asked me, while dipping me lower. "Okay! Okay! Okay! Yes!" I yelped out loud, everyone laughed at us and David laughed too. "Good" he said before he brought me back up to my feet.