Chapter 26: With Open Eyes: Part 1/3

Changed the school lot, there's some issues with the piercing not being in some pics. My game was just being annoying.

Saturday is the day that every regular person loves but nope, not us students enrolled in Lakewood Prep. To us, Saturday was like a Monday: You wake up and get prepared to do the same shit everyday of the week.
I rolled out of the bed, literally-falling to the floor. "Shit!" I yelped. That sure was a nice way to wake up at 5am in the morning.
Ding-Dong! The doorbell rang and I was still trying to pull myself together and get my ass off the floor.
"I got it!" I heard Allyson holler out to Adrianne, quicker than I could even blink my eyes.

I made my way into the bathroom and looked at my heinous face in the mirror. It was horrible, I mean seriously if they wanted to make roach repellent, all they would need to use is a picture of my face right now. "Want to keep the roaches at bay but don't have any spray?  Have no fear, Ms.Wiggins face will keep those pesky bugs away!" I could hear the annoying infomercial host's fake and peppy voice in my head already.
Grabbing my toothbrush, and ferociously brushing my teeth with the peppermint flavored toothpaste that made my taste buds tingle, I pondered on and on in my head about who could be at the door right now.
It was 5:47am so it had to be either one of me or Allyson's friends-God only knows who she talks to.
As soon as I started rinsing out my mouth Adrianne came to the door on the other side of the bathroom. "Your friend is here" she said in a sly tone.
Ugh! Why did she have to be like that?

A wild idea came to me, I turned to the metal stand I had in the bathroom, looking at the rack of clean clothes I had on it and snatched my uniform : those hideous khaki pants, my somewhat less ugly  blue sweater and black tie, the white button down shirt, and slid a pair of underwear and a bra in between them, and I walked out of the bathroom, looking like the beggar man's daughter.
No one was there when I entered the living room but my stuff was sitting beside the couch. My backpack looked pregnant, stuffed and puffy like it would pop any second now.
I guess David was here but he left, I was relieved to have my stuff back without having to talk to him.
Things were weird between me and him, the way he treated me. Not only that but the way he treated his girlfriend. It wasn't right and I knew that yet I did like it when he kissed me. Those lips.
I was staring out into space like I was hypnotized, before I came to my senses and headed up the stairs to go make Allyson's life a living hell.

My uncle was standing over the counter, reading the comics section of the newspaper-he was a certified cornball.
"Good morning Melly!" He cried chipperly, dressed in his scrubs.
Adrianne was staring at her unfinished artwork on the easel, still in her pajamas from last night and her hair was somewhat out of place yet it looked good on her. She seemed to grow tense once I walked in the room, as if she didn't know what to say to me. She quietly said "Morning!" And she continued staring at her painting, but I was slightly offended. It was like she didn't like me, and I guess I kind of knew why.
I forced a smile, I wasn't a morning person and my ass hurt. "Hey" I said sleepily, eyeing the bowl of fruit salad he had in front of him. "Is that for me?"
"Who else would it be for?" He asked, laughing.
"Thanks" I said, before getting to the point. "Ummm...Can I use Allyson's bathroom?" I asked, clenching my clothes tighter against my chest.
He obviously was bewildered by my question. "Why would you want to do that?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.
"I just want to take a shower-you know I would really like it if you could get someone to install a shower in my bathroom." I said, defending myself.

Adrianne had been quiet since I walked into the room but she was clealry listening to everything I said because she chimed in. "Go use Allyson's bathroom- Tell her I said you could...I'm dropping her off today so she doesn't have to rush"
My uncle looked up and started rubbing his chin "Why are you up so early anyways? You girls both have time...Adrianne isn't even dressed yet" He said, catching a quick glance at her which made her look up from her painting and smile at him.
Was I a criminal? Was I a murderer?! Why was he asking me a bunch of questions? It was like he didn't trust me, I could feel myself growing angry.  I sighed loudly and over-dramatically, "I'm taking the bus like a normal person my age would do." I looked at him, and he said nothing. "Look! I'm trying something new okay....I'm trying to be more responsible"
Those last words really packed the punch, I could tell by the look on his face. "Well, that's great." Was all he muttered. I didn't mean to come off so bitchy but it just happened and if he felt bad about it, oh well.

I made my way towards Allsyon's room, peering in her bedroom. She got the empty room upstairs that we were planning on re-constructing. We still reconstructed the room but it reflected everything Allsyon liked: Pink walls, a pink carpet and nice view outside with a balcony.
She has clothes all over the place, books all over the floor, a few posters on the wall, but something really made me uneasy inside as I looked around, at her room.
There were various knives hanging on her wall...As decoration? Who knows, but either way I thought it was pretty fucking obscene. I started to shiver, the female Jefferey Dahmer might've been living right here in the house with us.
"What are you doing up here?!" Allyson shouted, walking towards me.
My heart jumped at the sound of her voice, like a cheetah. "Oh!" I exclaimed, finally resting my eyes on her irate face. Her eyes were like black holes, sucking me into some deep, dark, horrible place. "I'm just coming up here to use your shower" I said as naturally as I could.
"No you aren't!" She quickly fired back, getting all defensive.
"Your mom said I could so move out of the way! You're going to make me late." I said, infuriated.
She laughed, "We're leaving together, you can wait after I shower first-You're not going to die"
"I'm taking the bus so ummm actually I do have to shower now otherwise I'm going to miss the bus" I countered.
"Oh yeah?" She asked, leaning in closer to my face. "Guess what? I don't give a shit so you can go back in your room and wait or miss the bus and leave with me and Adrianne! It's not like you don't have a choice-you're just being difficult" She hissed, in a whisper.
I raised my eyebrows. "Oh. Okay!" I said smirking. "Adrianne!" I shouted, turning towards the stairway.
Allyson grabbed my arm and looked me in the eye. "Shut the fuck up!" She whispered.

"Yes?" Adrianne, hollered from upstairs.
Allyson quickly pushed me inside of her room and before closing the door she hollered "It's nothing- everything is fine mom!"
She placed her hands on my shoulders and led me into her bathroom, turning on the light and stepping inside before me.
Turning towards the cabinets and then looking back at me, she gave me a whole set of 'rules'. "Don't open my cabinets. Don't touch my  make up. Don't touch my soap. Don't use any of my perfume. Don't use any of my hair products. Don't use my towels." She stopped for a moment and looked around, at all of her jars and containers on the counter and some odd looking skull sitting on her counter. This bitch was a Jefferey Dahmer in the making, there was no doubt about it. "Look just don't use anything body-related...Which is everything AND keep your hands away from the drawers in this counter. Do you understand?"
"Don't worry, your filthy room says enough on it's own, you don't have to worry about me using any of your stuff....I don't want to catch a disease" I said, rolling my eyes. "Now can you get out? I'm about to get naked...Unless you want a peepshow" I said obnoxiously.
" You have 20 minutes" She said sternly, before walking out of the room.

I had to run back down and get some more things before I actually got in the shower. It probably took me at least a good 4 minutes and when I went back upstairs Allyson was still giving me the evil eye before I entered her bathroom and locked the door.
Wasting no time, I stripped down to nothing and stepped in the shower, feeling the water trickle down my body like raindrops. My hair was clumping together as each strand became saturated. My eyes traced my own body, taking everything in. I lost a lot of weight, and I knew it but no one else really seemed to notice.
My body was far from curvy, the only thing that could be seen were straight lines and jagged edges. I sighed, wondering how I had lost 15 pounds over the course of a few months, slow and gradually. It wasn't like I was actually trying to lose weight, nothing just seemed to satisfy my taste buds anymore. I shook those thoughts out of my mind, it wasn't that bad.
As I started to continue showering, a warm sensation was working it's way all through my body in the most overwhelming way. I was beginning to feel sick and extremely tired, so I moved faster so I could hurry up and get out.
I was almost finished, my fingertips rumbled along my scalp as I quickly washed my hair, I could feel something but I didn't know how to describe it, it just felt bad. It felt like it was taking forever just for me to get the suds out of my hair.
My fingers were racing to the finish line, grabbing the conditioner and heedlessly slathering it on my now tangled and dry strands of hair. I worked my hair through my fingers, being sure not to be too harsh even though I was trying to get out of the shower.
I tilted my head back into the flow of the water, rinsing my hair again. The slimy texture of the conditioner was still running off on my hands, I rolled my eyes and cursed under my breath. I split my hair into 2 sections and tilted my head twice. Left side, let the water run, done. Right side, let the water run, done.
After that nightmare was over I turned the shower off, feeling my heart beat in my chest.

A mirror never tells you a lie, it only says the truth whether it's good or bad, whether you like it or not, and sometimes the truth hurts. It's funny how people always want the truth yet sometimes they can't handle it. Are we every really ready for the truth?
As I stood in front of the mirror, my body was the only thing that caught my eye and it would be a lie if I said I didn't want to break down and cry. My body was a prisoner, civilized and confined. Society sets the standard and you're either participating in the systematic conformity or being cast away like a dark shadow because you're just a "deformity"
I threw my clothes on, grabbed my other belongings and walked out of the bathroom smelling faintly of jasmine and mint. Allyson was waiting outside the door. "I said 20 minutes and you were in there for 28 minutes!" She yelled. I just ignored her and kept moving along.

As I made my way downstairs, into the kitchen, everything was different. The newspaper my uncle had been reading was still opened to the comics section, he just wasn't reading it. Adrianne's painting was still hanging up on her easel, she just wasn't standing in front of it. Instead, I stood there watching them both embrace each other and whisper in each others ear, it was obvious they were in love.
I did wonder if they were moving too fast but then again that really wasn't any of my business. Sometimes it takes people 12 years before they get married, some people get married after only knowing each other for a week. At least they waited a month, it was better than getting married within a week of knowing each other or spending a whole 12 years together without actually getting married.

They started laughing about something but I couldn't hear anything, and it wasn't like I wanted to anyways. I couldn't help but feel somewhat offended and jealous, he invested all of his time into Adrianne. Yeah, she was his wife now but was she really that deserving of it? I was his niece and blood was way thicker and much more precious than some water that probably had ran down some sewer line, What about me?
Immediately, they moved apart from each other and turned to face me, Adrianne didn't say anything to me she just stared while he did all the talking. "Sorry Mel, I didn't realize you were standing there! Did you want to talk to me?" I didn't but would it really matter if I did?
"Oh no, I was just getting ready to catch the bus" I said faintly.
He looked at me like he felt bad, and confused at the same time. "Aren't you going to eat?" He asked. Was this a joke? Why would I want to sit here and eat in front of them? I already intruded their little moment.
"No, no! I'm not really hungry anymore, I'll eat when I get home" I said swiftly, heading for the staircase so that he couldn't persuade me to eat.

He moved away from Allyson, taking a few steps closer to me just as my feet were about to hit the stair case. "Have a good day, I love you"
"Love you too" I nearly whispered, leaving them alone to talk to each other or do whatever the hell they were doing before I got there.

Before I went outside to freeze my ass off while waiting for the bus, I went into my room to get something.
I opened the drawer to my dresser and pulled out some black shades, something about them just gave off that mysterious and introverted vibe and I liked it. But then I looked in the mirror, and remembered I was going to need my normal glasses so it kind of was a waste to put these shades on.
I pondered on for a moment, thinking about how silly it would be to wear these shades but something came over me and I just couldn't resist, especially when I put them on and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I looked like an FBI agent.
Throwing my regular glasses into their case, I walked into the living room, grabbed my backpack that surprisingly didn't smell like weed, and headed outside to catch the bus.

***

There was a reason why I hated the bus and when we finally got to the school it felt like a revelation. I walked inside with my shades on, looking like John Lennon minus all of the facial hair and his saggy skin.

It was so cold outside, and the wind was whispering "wooooo!"  When it was this cold outside and the wind was whipping around like this, it made things feel even colder.
Everyone always hopes for a  big snow storm, but it never happens too often here in Florida. The temperature only plummets several degrees and the leaves on the trees fall to the ground, other than that we really don't have 'harsh winters.'
A vision of a frosty, white covered ground with solid icicles hanging off of rough tree branches was clear in my mind but that vision was never really seen.
"Video girl!" Some girl shouted out behind me. Ugh, here we go again. Instead of running off, I swayed my hands out in the air, posing just for the hell of it.
My fingers felt like raisins, dry, hard, and shriveled. There was no way I was walking slow, let alone standing here for 5 minutes just to entertain this girl. I speed-walked all the way inside until that comforting embrace of warm air was felt once I opened the doors to the school and tried to avoid people, like the girl I just ran into.

The weight of my books in my hands was becoming unbearable, thankfully I was standing in front of my locker. 29-47-14, I spun the dial around right, left,skip, keep going left, and right. Click! It opened and I swung the door to the side, looking at all the things I had inside.
There were some textbooks hanging out in there, along with my numerous amounts of bobby pins and hair ties, everything was the way I had left it-plain and simple. Even my calendar was the way I had left it, September. I quickly flipped through the pages and Changed it to November.
I took out my piercing, remembering the code of conduct. Although some teachers didn't mind piercings, I just figured I would avoid the hassle all together by not wearing it.
The most annoying thing about being in high school was probably, the people. Their voices were like one big sound wave, growing bigger and bigger by the moment. Soon enough, their voices were right up behind me.
People were crowded all around me, staring through the window next to my locker. At least they weren't standing here trying to talk about my silly video. I couldn't tell what was going on. Was someone getting beat up? Was someone getting stabbed? You would never know with all of these idiots just standing around, blocking the view. "Shit" I mumbled under my breath as I looked behind me and saw the people up close to me while all the people farther away looked like a big blob.
I opened my backpack and put on my real glasses, so I could see better. I placed the books I didn't need back in my locker and carried the important ones in my hand.
"Excuse me" I murmured, trying to push my way through the people. Clearly it wasn't working because they were still all surrounding me, leaning their bodies forward so they could get a better view.  Some guy's chest was practically against my face so I pushed him. "I said excuse me!" I shouted. "Now can you all get out of the way?!"
"There's a window over there come on guys!" Some guy hollered out and half the crowd followed him, which gave me space to walk away.

I sighed a sigh of relief and rolled my eyes, starting to walk away until my curiosity got the best of me. It was like pandora's box as I turned and looked through the window. All of those images would forever be on my mind no matter how much I wanted to take them back, take them all and just shove them back in that box, but of course that couldn't happen because that's not how that story goes and unfortunately our eyes work the same way too.
"Damn that's not even PDA, that's just straight up PDR!" Some girl said to her friend, in between their shared laughter.
"PDR? What the hell does that stand for?" Her friend asked.
"P-D-R" She spelled it out and then explained the acronym. "A public display of ratchetness." The laughter they shared was contagious and I joined in, even though I was pretty disgusted with what I saw.
David was holding on to Casey. His hands were like claws, gripping her rump-a-pum-pum!....If that is a decent enough hint at what I'm referring to. As much as I loved Christmas songs like the little drummer boy, the last thing I wanted to think about was Casey's ass while I sat around the Christmas tree in a few weeks. It looked like they had drove here together, that kind of explained why he didn't come in and at least say hi earlier.

The window was crystal clear, and my eyes were like lasers on a gun. I hoped they couldn't see me, and judging by the looks of it, they didn't care about who was watching them.
The glossy color red was now flashing between both of their mouths and that was when I had, had enough. It was time to go to class and it was like -5 degrees outside so god only knows why they felt the need to stand out there and have a moment for the whole world to see. Clearly, they just wanted attention and I was not about to feed off of their energy so I turned around and headed to class like I started to before I got distracted.

My legs silently screamed in agony as I made my way upstairs to get to history aka the most boring class of the day-especially in the morning.
It always seems like no matter how hard you try to avoid obstacles, they always end up being thrown at you. Isn't life just so fantastic? Isn't life the complete opposite of a bitch? *Sarcasm*
There were a few minutes left before the bell rang and I was stopped by David's flushed face. "Hey!" He said, looking around at all the people talking in the hall, and the people standing around just waiting for the bell to ring, and then he looked back at me as if he didn't want to be seen talking to me. Maybe I was over-exaggerating, if he didn't want to be seen with me, why would he want to be in a band with me?
I didn't say anything to him, I looked around at all the people and looked back at him, and he was now twisting his face. "Hey!" He said even louder, waving his hand in my face.
"Hi, David" The bitchiness in my voice was loud and clear even though I spoke softly.
His eyes roamed over me. "Are you mad at me?" He asked, obviously taking some time to think about what he could've possibly done to offend me. He continued on, asking me "Did I do something wrong?" His eyes looked straight into mine this time and he studied my face, which made me self-conscious. "Are you okay?" He asked.
I turned my head, facing the direction of my class we were standing in front of. "I'm fine, David." I said, ignoring his questions regarding me being mad at him.

He sighed, and started rubbing his head. "Okay well, I want to talk to yo-"
"We're talking" I said, looking at his worried face.
"Yeah we are" He laughed. His eyes were like a professional swimmer in the Olympics, diving into my pool of brown eyes. It was obvious I was making him nervous and I kind of liked it. Things weren't so easy, I was making him think. "Soooooo" His voice trailed off and he got closer to me, nearly blocking the door. "About yesterday..."

All of the students in the hall began moving, like a clan of birds migrating in the sky. People walked in front of us, entering the class.
"I should get to class now" I placed my hand on the door and didn't even bother to say goodbye. He didn't say anything else and neither did I.

Being in class for 45 minutes straight is where some people actually learn things meanwhile the others are probably daydreaming, sleeping, texting, or just staring out into space and pretending that they're actually listening when they're not. Out of those 4 categories I was the 'daydreamer.' Here I was daydreaming about butterflies and somehow I came up with some random yet pretty truthful analogy.
It was like all my life I had been a butterfly, trapped in its own natural cage, a cocoon. It must be pretty boring living inside of a cocoon, being shut off from the rest of nature, not being able to see what was near it. School was like being in a cocoon but I felt like a butterfly now, I was no longer blinded by the mathematical equations, or the scary 4 lettered word on a chalkboard saying 'TEST', nor was I blinded by the "knowledge" I was supposedly learning.
I was now aware of everything around me, I broke out of that shell and left my cocoon behind. How the hell did I actually enjoy school before? Because I was blinded...

***

Even though I liked science, I wasn't happy to be back in Bio with Ms.Johnson. After all, I was only being taught what the state and the government wanted me to know or felt that I should know. But how would they know anything about education? It was kind of an oxymoron, but I was beginning to hate school, however I loved education...If that makes sense. By all means it was not okay for people to walk around being illiterate and not knowing how to solve simple mathematical equations BUT school wasn't exactly the solution to that problem.
People have different ways of learning, and what works for some doesn't work for all. This isn't a glove, where one size fits all. This wasn't some fucking race either, which is what they made it seem like and unfortunately that's why most people don't remember half the shit they learned in high school. I mean honestly, Study, ace the exam, study, ace the exam, study, ace the exam, study ,pass the final, study, pass the final, study, do well on your state exams, study, graduate high school and forget about all of that shit because who cares? Once you graduate it's all over and you've finished the 'race.' That was the problem with this flawed education system.
"It's good to have you back Melody!" Ms.Johnson broke my train of thought. Why wasn't there a dress code for teachers? I was trying to focus on her eyes even though it was obvious she wasn't wearing a bra, thanks to her see-through shirt. What the hell was wrong with this woman? I was about to speak before she asked me "Where were you yesterday? The computer system said you were here yesterday...You do know that, that counts as a cut and we don't take cuts very lightly in this school"

"Oh no, Ms.Johnson I was not cutting" I lied. "My mom picked me up early yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. They must have forgotten to sign me out of the system"
"Okay well, You better get that fixed, we don't waste time handing out detention slips" She slapped a piece of paper on my desk. "Here's what we're working on in class, it's Bio-chem and it is the hardest thing we will probably learn all year but David should be able to help you out with that. He's in chemistry and he's repeating Bio anyways so it should be easy for him" Was she serious? Had she forgotten that the main reason he was repeating Bio, was because he fucked around and failed last year. He couldn't teach me anything, and I was sure of that.
"Hmmm, I don't see David but if you have any questions you can feel free to ask me and I do offer extra help, after school." Ms.Johnson said before walking away and beginning to teach the class.

Watching Ms.Johnson write chemical equations on the board was like reading Chinese, I did not understand it.
"Okay who can tell me how much carbon and hydrogen is in this compound?" She looked around at the class, not one hand went up. "Well, since no one wants to answer me-you can all do this on your own. Open your books to page 420 and do problems 1-40 whatever you don't finish now is homework and I'm collecting it and grading it tomorrow."
Ms.Johnson needed to chill out, and find a hobby that didn't involve staying up until 2am grading her students papers.
I opened the book and sighed, looking at the page. There were alot of numbers and letters.
My brain was like a ticking time bomb, just ready to explode at any minute. How much more information did I need to take in before that explosion occurred? It felt like that explosion would occur any second now, as I kept reading the problem over and over again trying to understand what the hell it was even asking. C6 H12 O6, C6 H12 O6, C6 H12 O6, C6 H12 O6, C6 H12 O6. TO HELL WITH IT!
I leaned my head against my hand and moved my pen around on my paper, pretending to actually be doing the work. Ms.Johnson was sitting at her desk, typing away on her computer and I glanced up at her, just to make sure she couldn't tell I wasn't doing anything.
Briiiinnnng! Thank god this shit was over. As soon as that bell rang, everyone rushed out of there before Ms.Johnson could even consider giving us more homework.

***

The only nice thing about being in school was the end of the day AKA the time when you actually get to leave this hell hole and do whatever you want after you do your homework that probably will take you 2 hours. But hey! At least you will be able to kick your feet up and lay in your bed while getting frustrated over school work, instead of sitting in a desk. *Sarcasm*
I opened my locker, the hall was empty and most of the people were outside chatting. I had no idea how they were able to tolerate that cold weather.
Zzzzip! I opened my backpack and threw some more books and papers down at the bottom of my locker.
I was about to put on my shades and leave before I turned to my side and nearly had a heart attack. David was standing there, leaning against the locker while he watched me sort through my things. "Do you want to give someone a heart attack?" I asked, glaring at him.
He tapped my shoulder, laughing his ass off. "No, I just want to talk to you" He said.
"I'm busy" I said promptly, trying to move faster.
"You can wait 5 seconds" He said, with his voice all stony and cold.
"What do you want to talk about?" I asked, throwing my hands up in the air.
"Yesterday, duh!" He said, imitating my voice. His laugh made me more annoyed.

I folded my arms across my chest. "There's nothing to talk about. We got high and then as soon as Casey came over, you nearly pushed me out of your house."
"Ohhh so that's what this is about?" He said, sighing and rolling his eyes at me.
"What?! What are you talking about?" I asked, narrowing my eyes and and pointing at him.
"That's why you're all mad...That's why you were giving me an attitude earlier...It's because of her, isn't it?" He asked, raising his eyebrow like he was excited and glad that he could make me feel the way I was feeling right now.
"It's not because of her David, I was just having a bad morning and I'm really annoyed right now okay. I have so much shit to do, and I should've never done what I did with you yesterday" I was really growing tired of this shit.
"Well, what happened, happened and it's too late to change that now. And I asked you if you were okay this morning, why did you lie? All you had to do was say you were in a bad mood and I would've understood."
Would he ever shut the fuck up? He acted like he had all the answers to everything. I wasn't saying anything, I just stood there rolling my eyes some more, scowling at him. "Okay then, don't speak." He said obnoxiously.

Huhhh, I exhaled loudly. "What do you want me to say?" I asked, slipping my piercing back through the hole in my nose.
"Nothing." He replied.
"Good." I tidied things up, making sure everything was somewhat relatively organized and closed my backpack, getting ready to shut my locker and walk away but David was still standing there, watching me like a surveillance camera. "Can I help you?"
"Are you coming?" He asked.
"What?" I asked, slowly as I shook my head a little.
"To the game tonight" He said, pointing at the calendar hanging in my locker. Under today's date it said 'Lakewood vs. Crypson (Basketball 4-6pm and Football 7-9pm)'
I lowered my eyes at him. "No! You know I hate sports...Why would I go to the game?" You would think that after talking to me all this time he would remember that and not ask me something like this but no, he still insisted on asking me a question he already knew the answer to.
"I don't know...I just thought you would show me some support- I mean we are friends, that's what friends do" He said, looking down at the ground.

Wow, what planet did he live on? According to David, friends could kiss each other and then turn right back around and carry along with their 'real' relationships. I know I probably was over-reacting and I shouldn't have been feeling jealous or infuriated because I knew he had a girlfriend and I still went along with it. At this point I was only doing this to myself so, I just needed to stop and put an end to whatever this was, right here and right now.
"Look David, you don't need my support okay. You already have someone who will be cheering you on and jumping around, doing splits and going wild for you, you don't need me." I said that, and I meant it.
Whack! I slammed my locker shut, and stood there looking him in the eye for a moment as he stood there, deep in his thoughts. And then I walked away, leaving him behind.